Blogging seems to me to be a place to express saddness, heartache, and problems. I think sometimes I just don't want to be reminded of those things.
Returned to school in fall and though I enjoy the nursing, I think I chose the wrong school. Their teaching styles don't agree with my learning style. I'll have to adjust no other option there.
Got buy out check on my birthday. That was a great gift. Wish I could check the mail every birthday to find that. LOL
Good thing the check came for my b day as boyfriend didn't buy me anything.
Boyfriend is moving...........one of these days.........still doesn't know when.
Still meneuvering the IRS laws to straighten up tax problem. Hopofully will be completely resolved before x mas.
I need a job............Its been almost a year since I've worked and I'm getting bored.
Theres the update........................
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday
Yesterday my friend who got hurt at work was brought home for a home visit. Was suppose to go visit but too many people were there too long so didn't get to go. Its okay he needs his rest.
Went to High School Varsity scrimage and watched son play. I am very much looking forward to what this season will bring. He is only a sophmore and playing Varsity. I just hope he doesn't get hurt. (crossing fingers) He could drive his race car every weekend and I don't worry at all but this football kind of makes me worry. He received 2 head concussions last year.
Though I try to wait this thing out with my BF deciding to move with company. It is eating away at me. I tried really hard to talk to him and he just gets ticked and argues. He wants to know why I want to argue about it. I don't I'm just trying to figure out where this is going to lead my life to. I offered to support him through school if he stayed (financialy), that was not an option. I expressed I thought we should get married or at least move in together and he doesn't want that. He says he just wants to be himself. I said that was fine but asked did he want to be himself alone or with me. His reply: I really don't know what I want rite now. This conversation was about a week ago and since then I I've tried to be silent about it and ignore it. He does show that he loves me on a daily basis but and this is a BIG BUT he still has said nothing about the future and what he wants. After 9 years I feel if he doesn't know what he wants he never will. He started talking about when he would be offered a transfer yesterday and I just told him to stop I didn't need it rubbed in my face. I still wonder " How could he just decide to leave me?" His decision was completely self-absorbed. It was good for noone but HIM.
Oh well i guess I will just wait it out a little longer but Im afraid the longer he goes without saying anything the more I'm going to lean toward ending this. (as my stomach turns). I'm tired of being alone and want a future with someone. A future TOGETHER.
Went to High School Varsity scrimage and watched son play. I am very much looking forward to what this season will bring. He is only a sophmore and playing Varsity. I just hope he doesn't get hurt. (crossing fingers) He could drive his race car every weekend and I don't worry at all but this football kind of makes me worry. He received 2 head concussions last year.
Though I try to wait this thing out with my BF deciding to move with company. It is eating away at me. I tried really hard to talk to him and he just gets ticked and argues. He wants to know why I want to argue about it. I don't I'm just trying to figure out where this is going to lead my life to. I offered to support him through school if he stayed (financialy), that was not an option. I expressed I thought we should get married or at least move in together and he doesn't want that. He says he just wants to be himself. I said that was fine but asked did he want to be himself alone or with me. His reply: I really don't know what I want rite now. This conversation was about a week ago and since then I I've tried to be silent about it and ignore it. He does show that he loves me on a daily basis but and this is a BIG BUT he still has said nothing about the future and what he wants. After 9 years I feel if he doesn't know what he wants he never will. He started talking about when he would be offered a transfer yesterday and I just told him to stop I didn't need it rubbed in my face. I still wonder " How could he just decide to leave me?" His decision was completely self-absorbed. It was good for noone but HIM.
Oh well i guess I will just wait it out a little longer but Im afraid the longer he goes without saying anything the more I'm going to lean toward ending this. (as my stomach turns). I'm tired of being alone and want a future with someone. A future TOGETHER.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Mourning
Well I guess I've decided if I'm going to do this blog thing I should just do it.
I've had alot to deal with in the last year and as I said before some of it I refuse to admit to. Therefore I don't have to live the reality of it.
October 4, 2007 Grandmother who I was very close to passed away
March 30, 2008 Sister is murdered in a murder / suicide
Around this same time Dad starts to fall ill.
Dads health fades fast and he passes on November 16, 2008 at the young age of 61. (May I pause here to say how much I miss him)
December 21, 2009 I have mini stroke and have to stay in hospital until Chrismas Eve day. Something with this caused me to start having panic attacks. So these just come on now when ever they feel the need. I don't even have to be panicing about anything.
I.R.S. audits me and finds that I owe $400,00.00 (which I have had to go through he** to get them to reconsider)
Around May of 2009 the G.M. Plant that I work announces it will close. Decision must be made....Do I stay, try to transfer and have to move or do I take their buy out and finish Nursing School. (I only have six classes left)
Boyfriend who works with me says he will stay with company and transfer where ever he must to keep his job, No matter what my decision is.
July 20, 2009 One of my best friends is found laying in the floor at work with his skull cracked and major bleeding. He is life flighted and rushed into surgery. He is still in rehab (brain rehab) and they still do not know what caused him to fall in the first place and he doesn't remember any of it.
August 4 2009 Ex Father in law (who I remained close with as we worked at the same place in the same department) had Alzeimers. Though his brain was lost he was in great health. And suddenly within three weeks he passes.
August 7 2009 Leaving Ex Father in laws funeral I sigh and say I have had all the death and sickness I can handle for a long while. About that time little did I know that my boyfriends grandmother passes away. He got he call later that evening. He wasn't even aware that she was sick. ANOTHER FUNERAL!!
August 11 calling hours August 12 Funeral. I'm tired of wearing these black clothes.
My Grandmother death I can deal with. She was 93 years old and had been telling me for 20 years she was ready to go be with the lord. She didn't know what he was waiting for but he must have something for her left to do here.
My sister came as a complete shock and still haven't dealt with that. Lots of regrets there. Lots of anger with her.
My father...................................Still choose to try to ignore this, still does not seem real, still feel like I should wake up and he will be here. Sometimes I get a rude awakening and have to face it but usually I shove it away quickly so it doesn't last long. I know he is not here but I still wish not to acknowledge it. Since the day of his passing I cannot sleep without some sort of sleep aid. It more fear of laying there and having to face it than it is I really need it I think. This way I just fall asleep and no time to lay in bed and think about it.
IRS, I am slowing working my way through these steps.
Job Situation, chose to take their buy out and finish my school. Just have to last 6 weeks without pay and then make the buy out money last me a year.
Boyfriend leaving, I will deal with that when the time comes.
Friend is recovering, Ill go visit him tomorrow.
Ex Father in law passing was hard, did as much as I could to help Ex Mother in law realized that this family is still greatly my family too. The Ex broke down at graveside services and I had to be there for him. I may not be "in love" with him but I will always love him. He is after all my childrens father and we have maintained a good relationship. Father in law is in a place where he know whats going on now. Its better for him.
Boyfriends grandmother passing. I had never met her and he had only seen her 1 time in 17 years.( Since the passing of his father) I thought it would be alot easier since I didn't know her but it was hard as I watched him realize what he missed out on. Though I know it wasn't his fault nor does it really seem like it was anyones fault. At here graveside services he nealt at his fathers head stone and for the first time since I've known him he mouned the loss of his father openly.
I find myself beginning to understand my grandmothers thoughts. I too am starting to look forward to the day I can be with the lord and all of those I have mourned the loss of. What a happy day it will be. Makes me realize this day is not so distant as it seems. I need to start living and planning more for that day and less for what is to come here on earth next week or next year.
I've had alot to deal with in the last year and as I said before some of it I refuse to admit to. Therefore I don't have to live the reality of it.
October 4, 2007 Grandmother who I was very close to passed away
March 30, 2008 Sister is murdered in a murder / suicide
Around this same time Dad starts to fall ill.
Dads health fades fast and he passes on November 16, 2008 at the young age of 61. (May I pause here to say how much I miss him)
December 21, 2009 I have mini stroke and have to stay in hospital until Chrismas Eve day. Something with this caused me to start having panic attacks. So these just come on now when ever they feel the need. I don't even have to be panicing about anything.
I.R.S. audits me and finds that I owe $400,00.00 (which I have had to go through he** to get them to reconsider)
Around May of 2009 the G.M. Plant that I work announces it will close. Decision must be made....Do I stay, try to transfer and have to move or do I take their buy out and finish Nursing School. (I only have six classes left)
Boyfriend who works with me says he will stay with company and transfer where ever he must to keep his job, No matter what my decision is.
July 20, 2009 One of my best friends is found laying in the floor at work with his skull cracked and major bleeding. He is life flighted and rushed into surgery. He is still in rehab (brain rehab) and they still do not know what caused him to fall in the first place and he doesn't remember any of it.
August 4 2009 Ex Father in law (who I remained close with as we worked at the same place in the same department) had Alzeimers. Though his brain was lost he was in great health. And suddenly within three weeks he passes.
August 7 2009 Leaving Ex Father in laws funeral I sigh and say I have had all the death and sickness I can handle for a long while. About that time little did I know that my boyfriends grandmother passes away. He got he call later that evening. He wasn't even aware that she was sick. ANOTHER FUNERAL!!
August 11 calling hours August 12 Funeral. I'm tired of wearing these black clothes.
My Grandmother death I can deal with. She was 93 years old and had been telling me for 20 years she was ready to go be with the lord. She didn't know what he was waiting for but he must have something for her left to do here.
My sister came as a complete shock and still haven't dealt with that. Lots of regrets there. Lots of anger with her.
My father...................................Still choose to try to ignore this, still does not seem real, still feel like I should wake up and he will be here. Sometimes I get a rude awakening and have to face it but usually I shove it away quickly so it doesn't last long. I know he is not here but I still wish not to acknowledge it. Since the day of his passing I cannot sleep without some sort of sleep aid. It more fear of laying there and having to face it than it is I really need it I think. This way I just fall asleep and no time to lay in bed and think about it.
IRS, I am slowing working my way through these steps.
Job Situation, chose to take their buy out and finish my school. Just have to last 6 weeks without pay and then make the buy out money last me a year.
Boyfriend leaving, I will deal with that when the time comes.
Friend is recovering, Ill go visit him tomorrow.
Ex Father in law passing was hard, did as much as I could to help Ex Mother in law realized that this family is still greatly my family too. The Ex broke down at graveside services and I had to be there for him. I may not be "in love" with him but I will always love him. He is after all my childrens father and we have maintained a good relationship. Father in law is in a place where he know whats going on now. Its better for him.
Boyfriends grandmother passing. I had never met her and he had only seen her 1 time in 17 years.( Since the passing of his father) I thought it would be alot easier since I didn't know her but it was hard as I watched him realize what he missed out on. Though I know it wasn't his fault nor does it really seem like it was anyones fault. At here graveside services he nealt at his fathers head stone and for the first time since I've known him he mouned the loss of his father openly.
I find myself beginning to understand my grandmothers thoughts. I too am starting to look forward to the day I can be with the lord and all of those I have mourned the loss of. What a happy day it will be. Makes me realize this day is not so distant as it seems. I need to start living and planning more for that day and less for what is to come here on earth next week or next year.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Dad explained
On November 16,2008 I lost my father, my favorite teacher, and my best friend.
As he was all three to me. Almost 5 months and it's still a struggle to get through each day.
And thats all I can say about that rite now. It takes alot out of me to say that. If I write about it
I have to admit it's reality. I try to ignore that...............I'm not ready for the reality of it.....
I just feel the need to say Good Night Dad and I guess this is the only place I can say it so...............Good Night Dad, I love you
As he was all three to me. Almost 5 months and it's still a struggle to get through each day.
And thats all I can say about that rite now. It takes alot out of me to say that. If I write about it
I have to admit it's reality. I try to ignore that...............I'm not ready for the reality of it.....
I just feel the need to say Good Night Dad and I guess this is the only place I can say it so...............Good Night Dad, I love you
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Good Night Dad
Good Night Dad, I'm missing you. I don't write about you because then I would be admitting that this is all real. I love you!!
Friday, September 5, 2008
A walking soap opera!!
Soap operas............I read on someone else's blog today that only in their life and daytime T.V. did these things happen. Well she is not alone. If someone could follow in my foot steps one day they would see that my life is not only a soap opera but a whole days worth of soaps. I could keep the average households attention from noon til 4:00 pm just like ABC. General Hospital, Days of Our lives, All My Children, One Life to Live. None of them have anything on me. My life could keep up with all of them put together.
Reading my blog entries alone shows me that I have something different to deal with everyday. Not only am I unable to stay on the same subject for more than a day I can't even remember what I was writing about 2 days ago. Who could keep up. It all changes faster than than a scene from any soap.
Maybe I'll vow to stay on one subject for a week and no matter what don't move away from it. Now its just deciding which one to stay on???? I'll give it some thought and maybe start on it tomorrow.
Reading my blog entries alone shows me that I have something different to deal with everyday. Not only am I unable to stay on the same subject for more than a day I can't even remember what I was writing about 2 days ago. Who could keep up. It all changes faster than than a scene from any soap.
Maybe I'll vow to stay on one subject for a week and no matter what don't move away from it. Now its just deciding which one to stay on???? I'll give it some thought and maybe start on it tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Dad And BF
Not too much has changed. The BF still thought everything was okay. I went with him yesterday to his parents lake house. As we were leaving I told him I hadn't been to the bank yet and ask if he would buy me cigarettes as I was out of cash. He acted like it was going to kill him. Truthfully that is too much of an inconvenience for him. I just told him to stop at the tobacco store and I would write a check there for them and buy my own and he did. What an ass.
Has a long talk about it. Ask him if he were ever going to ever put any needs in my life before his "wants". His answer, " I can try." Again What an ass!!
I haven't talked much about other issues in my life. My dad is very sick. He is the closest person in life to me. They can't seem to determine what is wrong with him. He was diagnosed with Polymyalgia reumitica but the medicine that was suppose to make him feel better in 2 time isn't working and it has been about a month and a half. The have already doubled it once and it still didn't do any better. I worry. It is like watching my grandmother last year and she died in October. I try not to think of it that way and just tell myself he is fine and when they figure out what it is they will make him better. I pray for the best. But I can't stand to see him suffer.
Well enough for now...........time for bed.
Has a long talk about it. Ask him if he were ever going to ever put any needs in my life before his "wants". His answer, " I can try." Again What an ass!!
I haven't talked much about other issues in my life. My dad is very sick. He is the closest person in life to me. They can't seem to determine what is wrong with him. He was diagnosed with Polymyalgia reumitica but the medicine that was suppose to make him feel better in 2 time isn't working and it has been about a month and a half. The have already doubled it once and it still didn't do any better. I worry. It is like watching my grandmother last year and she died in October. I try not to think of it that way and just tell myself he is fine and when they figure out what it is they will make him better. I pray for the best. But I can't stand to see him suffer.
Well enough for now...........time for bed.
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