Did you ever keep shooting for something, aim rite at it, know for sure you hit it, then look and you were so far off target that you were no where near what you aimed for. I know for sure I must be shooting blanks. I never seem to hit what I aim for in a relationship.
My boyfriend of eight years sucks!! The fact that I can say that is enough alone to break this thing off before we both waste anymore of our time.
Blah Blah Blah I dont even feel like writing about it!!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Who me? Have a lot of jobs?
It seems I'm always busy. Is this something I do unintentionally on purpose?
I am 37 years old and have had more professions than anyone I know. Always doing something else. Always moving. I started out attending the tech school and did about a year and a half of accounting at the same time working as a hair dresser. The lack of support from my boyfriend kept me from finishing the accounting degree and after about eight years of that I decided there had to be more money out there to be made. I started my boyfriends dream business and helped him run that for about 4 years and then he just ran it himself and I found myself once again bored and unfulfilled. My dad was an independent truck driver so I decided to venture into the Transportation industry. I bought one truck that turned into two. Now there was some extra money. Still didn't involve much of my time. I ventured into the Real Estate business. Three months of schooling and about a year of that and I decided I couldn't deal with the snobs and the egos in that line of business. Hmmmmmm......Now what? Oh that's rite, I took a class called ONOW (orientation to nontraditional occupations in the workplace). Yeah I wanted a mans job with a mans pay. From that class got a summer help job at the local auto making company. I made 75% of the regular hourly pay and that was the most money I had ever made. Not only that, I actually liked the work environment and the people. I decided that is where I wanted to work. Now at that time it was almost impossible to get a job there and everyone laughed at me and said you'll never get in. I knew eventually I would, that's just me I find a way to make anything happen. It would take time I had a lot of studying to do. You had to pass a test to get on the hiring list and you had to ace it to get hired. Erstwhile I got a job at another union shop. I hated this job. It was the crappiest place I had ever worked but the pay was above average so I stayed. Then the day came the call from the biggest of the big 3 auto companies. I aced the test and was number one on the list to be hired. It was only a matter of time. I immediately quit the job at the crappy factory. Eight months later I landed what I thought was the perfect job. A Die maker at the highest paying factory in America. I have the highest paying job as an hourly employ. I still had the two semi trucks and that eventually grew into 10 trucks. I was raking in the cash!! What I didn't realize, with one truck taking a small amount of time ten trucks were consuming my life. I worked morning noon and night and on top of that attending every sporting event my son and daughter had. We did movies once a week for a while, usually on Sunday and vacationed once a year and camped and jet skied. I don't know how I managed except I woke up one day and I was tired. So I quit, that simple, that fast, I quit the Trucking industry. Sold some of the equipment and parked all but one. Back to simple!! But now I'm back to broke. Payments still need to be made and I'm barely making them. Broke again but proud. For once in my life I chose my time and me over money and the drive to succeed. Sometimes being broke is depressing but i just keep in mind that God himself will not give me more that I can handle and he will carry me through, one way or another.
Here I am with all of this spare time. Next thing I know I'm registered and attending school full time. Now I want to be a Nurse. LOL!! What is with me? Actually, I am in fear of losing my perfect job (due to idiotic american people buying foreign cars) The need for the auto industry to compete with these foreign companies has led to shipping jobs out of the country so they can get away with paying the same crap wage that our competitors pay.
How did I decide on nursing? I was looking at my senior scrap book and I noticed that as my future occupation I thought I would be a RN. I believe that children and young adults look at life in a very clear and uncorrupt way and decided to take my own youthful advice. Will I ever be a Nurse. Yes I will finish the school but as long as I have my current job I will never leave. I may someday do both as my youngest only has 3 years of school left. I am sure when he is gone I once again will find myself bored. And again I will work to succeed.
I am 37 years old and have had more professions than anyone I know. Always doing something else. Always moving. I started out attending the tech school and did about a year and a half of accounting at the same time working as a hair dresser. The lack of support from my boyfriend kept me from finishing the accounting degree and after about eight years of that I decided there had to be more money out there to be made. I started my boyfriends dream business and helped him run that for about 4 years and then he just ran it himself and I found myself once again bored and unfulfilled. My dad was an independent truck driver so I decided to venture into the Transportation industry. I bought one truck that turned into two. Now there was some extra money. Still didn't involve much of my time. I ventured into the Real Estate business. Three months of schooling and about a year of that and I decided I couldn't deal with the snobs and the egos in that line of business. Hmmmmmm......Now what? Oh that's rite, I took a class called ONOW (orientation to nontraditional occupations in the workplace). Yeah I wanted a mans job with a mans pay. From that class got a summer help job at the local auto making company. I made 75% of the regular hourly pay and that was the most money I had ever made. Not only that, I actually liked the work environment and the people. I decided that is where I wanted to work. Now at that time it was almost impossible to get a job there and everyone laughed at me and said you'll never get in. I knew eventually I would, that's just me I find a way to make anything happen. It would take time I had a lot of studying to do. You had to pass a test to get on the hiring list and you had to ace it to get hired. Erstwhile I got a job at another union shop. I hated this job. It was the crappiest place I had ever worked but the pay was above average so I stayed. Then the day came the call from the biggest of the big 3 auto companies. I aced the test and was number one on the list to be hired. It was only a matter of time. I immediately quit the job at the crappy factory. Eight months later I landed what I thought was the perfect job. A Die maker at the highest paying factory in America. I have the highest paying job as an hourly employ. I still had the two semi trucks and that eventually grew into 10 trucks. I was raking in the cash!! What I didn't realize, with one truck taking a small amount of time ten trucks were consuming my life. I worked morning noon and night and on top of that attending every sporting event my son and daughter had. We did movies once a week for a while, usually on Sunday and vacationed once a year and camped and jet skied. I don't know how I managed except I woke up one day and I was tired. So I quit, that simple, that fast, I quit the Trucking industry. Sold some of the equipment and parked all but one. Back to simple!! But now I'm back to broke. Payments still need to be made and I'm barely making them. Broke again but proud. For once in my life I chose my time and me over money and the drive to succeed. Sometimes being broke is depressing but i just keep in mind that God himself will not give me more that I can handle and he will carry me through, one way or another.
Here I am with all of this spare time. Next thing I know I'm registered and attending school full time. Now I want to be a Nurse. LOL!! What is with me? Actually, I am in fear of losing my perfect job (due to idiotic american people buying foreign cars) The need for the auto industry to compete with these foreign companies has led to shipping jobs out of the country so they can get away with paying the same crap wage that our competitors pay.
How did I decide on nursing? I was looking at my senior scrap book and I noticed that as my future occupation I thought I would be a RN. I believe that children and young adults look at life in a very clear and uncorrupt way and decided to take my own youthful advice. Will I ever be a Nurse. Yes I will finish the school but as long as I have my current job I will never leave. I may someday do both as my youngest only has 3 years of school left. I am sure when he is gone I once again will find myself bored. And again I will work to succeed.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
MORON!!!
My youngest sister has ruined her oldest son. She has also helped my daughter along the way with her drug and alcohol abuse. She has two lovely daughters whom I love to death. They are at an age that I think they could still be saved from the moron ( sister). They are 12 and 8 and she has been leaving them home alone til 5 am (all night) every weekend for about 3 years. My niece use to be a TAG (that is talented and gifted) student. Now she is barely passing the seventh grade. The moron when she does come home, drunk and coked up, keeps these kids awake all night with her stupidity that she rarely remembers in the morning. She had 3 kids by the age of 18 and two of them died in a house fire that the oldest one started. He was 3 and playing with a lighter no fault of his. He didn't know any better. When moron is being her drunken self she tells him it was his fault, and that he killed his sister and brother. She's an ass! She infuriates me. She needs help and refuses to get it. And he is paying for it. He has been in so much trouble, he'll probably be in prison within the year. That's something to look forward to at 18 years old. She never did anything to help him. She just ignored him. He was her slave and babysitter. One time my son went to her house to play with him when they were younger . He called me shortly after he got there and had me pick him up. Why? Because he said my nephew wasn't allowed to do anything. Every time they would start to play moron would have a slave chore for him. My son went there 2 or 3 times and it was always the same so he just didn't bother to go at all.
I wish there was away I could take two nieces from her. They need to be saved!! God help them.
Pardon the picture but it suits her so well!!
I wish there was away I could take two nieces from her. They need to be saved!! God help them.
Pardon the picture but it suits her so well!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The sexual abuse cycle
Here is an account the sexual abuse in my life. Only the ones that I know of.
1. Uncle abuses sister "k" from the age of 6 until about 13. He was a grown man at the time. He is the biginning of the cycle of my family.
2. Same uncle abuses my brother. Not sure exactly what the time line is there.
3. Sister "k" abuses brother also.
4. Sister "k" abuses brothers friend too.
5. Sister "k" plays pretend sex games with other sister (we'll call her sister "t") and two cousins.
all female. Cousin 1 & 2
6. Cousin 2 abuses brother (won't admit to it)
7.Brother abuses my daughter from about age 5 until about 11 0r 12 when he was incarcerated.
8.Niece "m" tells me that brother felt her up on 2 different occations.
9. Neice "m" tells me at a later date that she is having sex with her cousin.
This is what I can account for. I have a feeling there is more waiting to rear its ugly head.
People who hear my story ask me how all of this sexual abuse missed me. I'm sure that there are some who think Im lying. For some reason as I sat unknowingly in the midst of all of it I was spared. Did god have a purpose?
Shadows
I'm trying to get a little out at a time in this blog and somewhat stay on a time line.
Please forgive me as I venture away from my story and to current events.
I somewhat established in my last post that my daughter was sexually abused. She is 19 years old and having a rough time coping with life due to this. She is only a shadow of herself rite now. She drinks to mask the pain. Unfortunately that only works for a short time before the drinking unveils the pain more that it masks is.
I was awaken at 3:00 am this morning by her. She was almost hysterical. She was drunk. She was not yelling but she was shouting at the world. Expressing all of the hate. Crying that she is just a little girl. Regressing I think maybe. Going back to being that little girl who was being hurt. It seems to me that her subconscious is tyring to finally deal with this but her mind is not ready. I try to talk to her about medication but she refuses to take "crazy pills". I've explained to her that her mind and her body have undergone a great amount of stress and that reeks havoc on the brain. The pills will just help like an antibiotic for the flu.
I'm lost...........How do I help bring her back out of the shadows.
Please forgive me as I venture away from my story and to current events.I somewhat established in my last post that my daughter was sexually abused. She is 19 years old and having a rough time coping with life due to this. She is only a shadow of herself rite now. She drinks to mask the pain. Unfortunately that only works for a short time before the drinking unveils the pain more that it masks is.
I was awaken at 3:00 am this morning by her. She was almost hysterical. She was drunk. She was not yelling but she was shouting at the world. Expressing all of the hate. Crying that she is just a little girl. Regressing I think maybe. Going back to being that little girl who was being hurt. It seems to me that her subconscious is tyring to finally deal with this but her mind is not ready. I try to talk to her about medication but she refuses to take "crazy pills". I've explained to her that her mind and her body have undergone a great amount of stress and that reeks havoc on the brain. The pills will just help like an antibiotic for the flu.
I'm lost...........How do I help bring her back out of the shadows.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
The last survivor
I know I am not the last survivor of these things but In my family I feel like I am.
Fast forward from my growing up to now. I have 2 sisters and a brother. I am the only one who is not, has not, and never will have a dependency. My sister, I ll call her "K", and brother, I'll call him "T" were both sexually abused by the same uncle. On top of that "K" also abused "T" who in turn sexually abused my daughter and K's daughter. K's daughter, I'll call her "C", also was abused by a man that K lived with. Then I found out that C was having sex with her cousin. When I told both my sisters that this was going on between their children I got the blame for trying to ruin Xmas. Guess what? I don't care if I ruined Xmas this was something that had to be stopped. These kids needed therapy and to be let know this was wrong. Of course they didn't get it. I am the only one in the family who wants to acknowledge that any of this is f ' ed up. It seems that everyone else wants to sweep it under the rug and go on like it never happened. Have another beer, smoke another joint, pop another pill. What ever they need to NOT deal with it. Don't they realize this is why the cycle of sexual abuse continues.
Fast forward from my growing up to now. I have 2 sisters and a brother. I am the only one who is not, has not, and never will have a dependency. My sister, I ll call her "K", and brother, I'll call him "T" were both sexually abused by the same uncle. On top of that "K" also abused "T" who in turn sexually abused my daughter and K's daughter. K's daughter, I'll call her "C", also was abused by a man that K lived with. Then I found out that C was having sex with her cousin. When I told both my sisters that this was going on between their children I got the blame for trying to ruin Xmas. Guess what? I don't care if I ruined Xmas this was something that had to be stopped. These kids needed therapy and to be let know this was wrong. Of course they didn't get it. I am the only one in the family who wants to acknowledge that any of this is f ' ed up. It seems that everyone else wants to sweep it under the rug and go on like it never happened. Have another beer, smoke another joint, pop another pill. What ever they need to NOT deal with it. Don't they realize this is why the cycle of sexual abuse continues.
Friday, March 28, 2008
The birth of me, who i am.
My mother( who would get very defensive if she heard these words) is the full cause of my being codependent. She is an alcoholic. Though she seems to have her drinking under some control these days, she still drinks and still hides it. One time I was using the restroom at her house and the toilet wouldn't flush. I took the back off and sure enough there were two cans of beer in there. Now thats creative, hide it and keep it semi cold at the same time.
As a teenager I strived to be like "the good kids". I tried to be involved in after school activities. This proved to be very difficult as the support from home was never there. I remember stealing twenty dollars from my neighbor for the deposit on my dance line uniform. (which I paid back with some interest anonymously 20 years later). I got myself to practice and got myself home. Sometimes walking and sometimes getting rides from friends. No matter how hard I tried though I always got the blame for everything bad that happened. If something got stolen it was me. If something wasn't done rite it was me. I always took the fall for everything. Why? Because my mom wasn't there to defend me as everyone else's was. It always seemed I was trying to prove myself to everyone. In doing so I was one of the best at everything I did.
As I grew a little older and got my license I tried to influence my sister to participate in after school activities too. I was there to take her and pick her up. I didn't want her to be like me. I wanted it to be easier for her. I don't know what happen I guess she didn't have the drive like I did and she quit. But I continued to look after her. Watching her and dragging her out of one bad situation or another. It was like being a big sister and a mother.
My youngest sibling, my brother, I did the same with him. I tried to put him in little league baseball. He went to all the practices but on game day he was too far behind the other kids who had been playing since pre school. He stood in the field and picked at bugs in the grass and stared into the sky. He went to one game and like my sister didn't have it to hang in there. I also took him on hos first real vacation to Disney world. (looking back now I wish I wouldn't have done that but that's a story for another day)
And then there was my middle sister who had her first baby at 16 and the third by the age of 18. When she was pregnant with the third she showed up on my door step with no shoes on and two babies on her hip crying because her and my mom had gotten into a fight (of course mom was drunk). So I took her in. Low and behold 15 years later my mom blames me for her not graduating high school. She thinks I should have sent her home. Like that would have made her graduate.
Then there ways mom herself. At the age of 15 I honestly thought it was normal and okay to drag my 16 year old boyfriend out of bed at 1 am to pick my mom up from the bar. Now that I'm older I bet his mom was just beside herself.
There was the time she stabbed herself, the time she drove into a telephone pole (which time? I think that happened twice), times she would sleep at the bar and just not come home, times she would go to the store and not come back for hours, the screaming and yelling, the fighting with my dad and us, the many times she banged her head on the walls (drunk and sober).
For many years I hated her for all the chaos she brought upon the family. Then I realized she didn't bring any of it on us. It was the disease that caused everything that happened to happen. I learned not to hate her. I learned how to deal with the disease and not her. When she drank her insecurities would come out. She would be defensive and always want to fight. I learned not to fight with her instead reassure her how much I loved her and just try to get her in bed to sleep it off. Now I feel sorry for her. Like I would for someone with cancer. And I hope and pray someday she will stop. I know her drinking is from lack of self esteem. I remember she use to drink before she could even go to the mall. I think it was because she thought everyone at the mall thought they were better than her. Strange.
Because of these events I have always tried to be there to hold all of the pieces together all of the time. This was the birth of who I am and who I was to become.
As a teenager I strived to be like "the good kids". I tried to be involved in after school activities. This proved to be very difficult as the support from home was never there. I remember stealing twenty dollars from my neighbor for the deposit on my dance line uniform. (which I paid back with some interest anonymously 20 years later). I got myself to practice and got myself home. Sometimes walking and sometimes getting rides from friends. No matter how hard I tried though I always got the blame for everything bad that happened. If something got stolen it was me. If something wasn't done rite it was me. I always took the fall for everything. Why? Because my mom wasn't there to defend me as everyone else's was. It always seemed I was trying to prove myself to everyone. In doing so I was one of the best at everything I did.
As I grew a little older and got my license I tried to influence my sister to participate in after school activities too. I was there to take her and pick her up. I didn't want her to be like me. I wanted it to be easier for her. I don't know what happen I guess she didn't have the drive like I did and she quit. But I continued to look after her. Watching her and dragging her out of one bad situation or another. It was like being a big sister and a mother.
My youngest sibling, my brother, I did the same with him. I tried to put him in little league baseball. He went to all the practices but on game day he was too far behind the other kids who had been playing since pre school. He stood in the field and picked at bugs in the grass and stared into the sky. He went to one game and like my sister didn't have it to hang in there. I also took him on hos first real vacation to Disney world. (looking back now I wish I wouldn't have done that but that's a story for another day)
And then there was my middle sister who had her first baby at 16 and the third by the age of 18. When she was pregnant with the third she showed up on my door step with no shoes on and two babies on her hip crying because her and my mom had gotten into a fight (of course mom was drunk). So I took her in. Low and behold 15 years later my mom blames me for her not graduating high school. She thinks I should have sent her home. Like that would have made her graduate.
Then there ways mom herself. At the age of 15 I honestly thought it was normal and okay to drag my 16 year old boyfriend out of bed at 1 am to pick my mom up from the bar. Now that I'm older I bet his mom was just beside herself.
There was the time she stabbed herself, the time she drove into a telephone pole (which time? I think that happened twice), times she would sleep at the bar and just not come home, times she would go to the store and not come back for hours, the screaming and yelling, the fighting with my dad and us, the many times she banged her head on the walls (drunk and sober).
For many years I hated her for all the chaos she brought upon the family. Then I realized she didn't bring any of it on us. It was the disease that caused everything that happened to happen. I learned not to hate her. I learned how to deal with the disease and not her. When she drank her insecurities would come out. She would be defensive and always want to fight. I learned not to fight with her instead reassure her how much I loved her and just try to get her in bed to sleep it off. Now I feel sorry for her. Like I would for someone with cancer. And I hope and pray someday she will stop. I know her drinking is from lack of self esteem. I remember she use to drink before she could even go to the mall. I think it was because she thought everyone at the mall thought they were better than her. Strange.
Because of these events I have always tried to be there to hold all of the pieces together all of the time. This was the birth of who I am and who I was to become.
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