Unintensionally avoiding simple

Mr. Simple and I haven't seemed to cross paths as much as I would have liked.
With my class reunion coming up my best friend and I spent most of the day Friday shopping and getting hair and nails done. By the time we were done it was time for me to go to work (I am a third shifter)

On Saturday I slept until 1 and when I got up I realized I forgotten to get a bra to wear with my dress and it took most of the day to find it. I got home about 3 30 and showered and was ready for the reunion by 5. My bf and her husband picked us (yes the boyfriend went) up and we were there by 6 10. It was actually a pretty good time. There were still some of the same clicks but for the most part it was a good night out.

Sunday was spent recovering from Friday night.

Monday I did clean my room and drag a few things out of the drawer to get rid of. So that was a slight glimpse of Mr. Simple. I must try harder to get to know this person.

Does anyone notice that I avoid the subject of the boy friend. I think its because one, I don't have time to write it all, two, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it, or three I don't want to face the reality of it. If I write it all out and read it to myself I may have to face it. UGH!!!

Who is Simple?

I've decided to try to get back on track of my day to day life on this blog. I always seem to stray and lose track. T says I have too much going on in my life and its time to simplify. I don't know simple. Don't believe I have ever met that person. Can someone please introduce me to this Simple?

First off T says, " to simplify means to let go of things". Starting with the things that drain me of energy so that I have enough stamina to deal with the things I must. I've started this process by letting go of material things first. Cleaning out closets, e baying things to get rid of them. Its a small step in getting to know Mr. Simple but it is, after all a step.

The next step will have to be the people in my life who are unhealthy for me and drain me of my energy. Its a toss up between my daughter and boyfriend. They both drain the hell out of me. I know the daughter must stay so does that mean the boyfriend must go so I have enough energy left to deal with the daughter. Really one does not have anything to do with the other. Daughter is very demanding of my attention. She has a very low self esteem and needs constant re-assurance from me. If I don't tell her where I am its like she's the mother. She calls all over town looking for me. Its like she has a fear that I will abandon her. The boyfriend on the other hand is a whole different story. I will hit more on him tomorrow as that will be time consuming.

To wrap up, I plan to spend a lot of time trying to get to know this Mr. Simple. But I really don't think he and I have much in common. It may be a short lived relationship.

VACATION, NIAGARA FALLS, & CLASS REUNION

A trip to the beach was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was good for me. My daughter, son and sons girlfriend, niece and boyfriend all went together. Also another couple and their daughter went along. We all had a wonderful time in the sun. It was a relief from work and school for me. We went deep sea fishing, to the NASCAR park, the amusement park, the water park, ate out some and ate in some. We spent lots of time in the ocean this year boogy boarding. The condo was great. Two bedroom, two bath, kitchen, eating area, living room and a balcony with a great view of the ocean. There was no drama. WOW not even one argument between the kids.

While laying on the beach I had some time to think about what to do with my share of my sisters ashes. I remembered her saying that she always wanted to go to Niagara Falls and I know she never got to go. So I was thinking maybe that would be a good place for me to spread her ashes. I'm afraid that my dad wont like that idea. I think he wants to bury them so he has a place to visit. Her wishes were not to be buried though. I'm not sure if she meant just not to bury her body or not to bury her ashes either. Maybe Ill call and talk to her husband and get his opinion.

On another note my 20 year class reunion is coming up soon. Again I'm having problems with the boyfriend so it looks like I may be going alone. UGH!!

My trip to Joe Nichols benfit for Pams kids

On Thursday I departed for Bredenton, Fla. where Joe Nichols would preform a benefit concert for my sisters 3 kids. I worked third shift on Wednesday night, flew out at 9 a.m. Thursday, arrived in Tampa at 3 p.m. (after a 4 hour layover in Charlotte), got the rental car and drove the hour drive to Bradenton. I then got my hotel room and was ready to crash. There was no time for that, it was already about 5 and had to shower and be at benefit at 7. Its amazing what you can do with no sleep when needed.

The benefit went smooth and I would estimate over 20,000 dollars was raised for my nieces and nephew. Woohoo!! I am sure they would rather have their mother but it was still a great success.

I went to this benefit because I wanted to. I felt that I had to be there. It was not a pleasant experience as I really do not know anyone there. As I said I hadn't been a real part of her life in some years. I did a lot of wandering around this HUGE country bar alone. Her family and friends were as hospitable as could be expected but I really felt alone. Her ex husband was quite friendly and tried to "babysit" me. He and I shared tears together as they showed the slide show of her. Her children show no interest in knowing me. I know it uncomfortable for them though. I do understand. I stayed until about 11 and then said bye to her ex and seen myself to the door.
I was never so happy to see a bed in my life. I crashed.

I spent the next day (4th of July) on the beach relaxing in the sun and thinking of her. When time to leave there I realized I locked the keys in the rental car. Hectic!! There was an hour of waiting for triple A.

I spent that evening at my sisters best friends 4th of July bbq. Her and I talked about my sister for about an hour and she gave me mine and my dads share of her ashes.( I never knew anyone who was cremated but I still think it strange that they divided her ashes up into 20 small earns and distributed them through the family. ) We shared different stories about her and cried some then I left.

On my way back to the room I decided to drive by her house one last time. Then I decided to stop in the driveway and then decided to get out. I turned the door knob and it was open so I let myself in. The place was a disaster area. Most things have been moved out but "stuff" was just strewn about. I found a card from the man who killed her which expressed how much he loved her and wanted to take care of her forever. It was a very nice card and he couldn't have sounded like a nicer guy. It just makes me wonder how this much love could lead to such a tragic ending.

Though what he did was a terrible thing I have to believe that he was really sick and pray for his family too. My heart bleeds for all involved. It was a great loss, I'm sure for our family as well as his.

I left early the next morning and was glad to arrive back home the next day. I would be ask if I enjoyed my trip and my answer was no, not at all but I'm glad that went. I learned a lot and would like to become closer to those who were close to her, as dysfunctional as it all is.

I learned things about her brother that makes me feel the need to make him apart of my family. But that's all for another day.

Did she blame me for her beating?

I ask myself sometimes why god kept us apart for so long? We were only kids and we were brought together by the adults around us (My mother and our father). Did she blame me for all the bad things that happened to her here? I remember my mom and dad used to argue about the two of us, my mom taking my side and dad taking hers. I know my mom always blamed her for everything that happened. I remember my sister denying something and my mom saying don't lie I seen you do it through the window. I told my mom it was me and she insisted it was my sister. I knew she was lying about seeing her through the window because I knew that I did it. Still she spanked my sister. It was like that all of the time. The worse was one morning when it was my sisters turn to put the dishes away before we went to school and my dad rushed us so she didn't have time. When we got home my mom told her she was going to get hit 500 times for every dish in the dish rack. She took her in the kitchen and counted the dishes and then took her to the bedroom and made her strip her pants off and beat her. She proceeded to beat her until she passed out from the craziness. After she woke up she hugged her and babied her and begged her not to tell my dad and she never did. My sister always tried to make her happy. I'm not sure she ever did. I do know that when she came back to live with us when she was 14 she actually put my mom in the nut ward. I don't think she did it on purpose but I think she felt no guilt for doing so. I always thought she blamed me for what my mom did to her because my mom never punished me to the extreme that she was punished. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am that I never told my dad until it was much too late (20 years). I wish I could tell her that even when she was gone she always had a voice here. I always defended her even though it took so long for me to tell what happened to her.

I remember the day I told my dad. It was after I found her the last time. He had been trying to call her and she wouldn't return his calls. Him and I were driving to Columbus and he was basically telling me that like always she was ignoring him and if that was the way she wanted it, fine. I then explained to him what had happened to her and he ask me, " how did I not see it?" Not sure what happened between them then I think he just showed up at her house. But from there on they were reconciled. He always thought that her mom had turned her against him and she always thought he didn't care enough to stick up for her. Lack of communication cost them many years of happiness.

A SAD STORY!!

As I said in my last post my sister was murdered. Those are words that never thought I would have to say. She was trying to break off a relationship with this guy and he couldn't handle it. He went in through the back door of the resteraunt that she worked at and drug her out the front door and under a tree and shot her three times, twice in the stomach and once in the throat. He started to leave and a friend and co worker came out to help her. She was still alive and the friend told her the ambulance was on its way. The ex boyfriend realized she was still alive and got back out of her car and shot at the friend when the gun jammed and did not fire. The friend ran into the resteraunt and he went back to my sister and shot her two more times in the head. He then ran from police, lost them and parked the car and shot himself.

Now that she is gone I find myself feeling alot of guilt. She was my half sister and though we were close when we were young we barely knew each other when she died. Her and I didn't have any disagreements it was the adults fault around both of us. She left one summer to go stay with her mom and just never came back like she always did before. We didn't see her and barely heard form her until four years later when she came back to live with us again for a very short time. This time she was seriously disturbed. She left and she disappeared off the face of the earth. I later learned that her mom sent her to an uncle in New york and then she was put in a mental hospital. Only when I turned old enough to find her myself and visit did I find her. We went to the city she lived in and vacationed. I visited with her a couple of times while there and went home. I wrote her a letter and never heard back from her. Again she disappeared......10 years later she could not be found. I tried all the court houses for records of marriage, driving records. liscences and nothing. I decided to get on a plane and go find her. And that I did. I gave her brothers name at the court house and low and behold they had an address for him. I went to the address and they no longer lived there. The gentleman told me that her brother actually didn't live there that a his sister did. Bam!!! I found where she use to live. The gentlemen then told me that he tought her friend live on the corner. I went to the friends house knocked at the door and ask if she new my sister, she said who are you? I told her i was her sister. At first she didn't believe me and then she was like yeah I know her as a matter of fact she is on the phone rite now. She actually just lived around the corner. Reunited again....this time it would be for good. I didnt visit her much but my dad and her reconciled and he visited her quite often. He was happy to see her and happy to spend time with her. I'm so glad that I found her and he got to get to know her and her children and spend the time that he did with her.

Seeing how hurt he was when she was taken from us for good was very hard. I know that no matter how hard I look I wont be able to find her again like before. This time she is really gone.

I found out that Joe Nichols is doing a benefit concert for her 3 kids.
I didn't think people really cared that much any more. Its reassuring to me and gives me hope for the world after all. I will be flying there for the concert and to see my nieces and nephew.

Even though I didn't hardly see her in our adult years apart of me misses her. I tried to have a relationship with her. I visited and got nothing in return. Her life was not pleasant when she was here and I thought that she just wasn't ready to face this part of her past. I was giving her time. I guess I shouldn't have. I should have tried harder.

Anger

Life sucks!! My sister was murdered in a murder suicide. The idiot killed her and then killed himself. This has left me very angry. My grandmothers death 8 months ago left me sad. This grieving process is so different. I feel so much anger. Anger toward her death and anger toward everyone around me who do stupid things thinking they have forever to do the rite thing. Anger at the idiot who killed her. Angry at her for not putting any effort into having a relationship with me, angry at myself for not trying harder to see her and her kids more often. Anger so much anger rite now