A walking soap opera!!

Soap operas............I read on someone else's blog today that only in their life and daytime T.V. did these things happen. Well she is not alone. If someone could follow in my foot steps one day they would see that my life is not only a soap opera but a whole days worth of soaps. I could keep the average households attention from noon til 4:00 pm just like ABC. General Hospital, Days of Our lives, All My Children, One Life to Live. None of them have anything on me. My life could keep up with all of them put together.

Reading my blog entries alone shows me that I have something different to deal with everyday. Not only am I unable to stay on the same subject for more than a day I can't even remember what I was writing about 2 days ago. Who could keep up. It all changes faster than than a scene from any soap.

Maybe I'll vow to stay on one subject for a week and no matter what don't move away from it. Now its just deciding which one to stay on???? I'll give it some thought and maybe start on it tomorrow.

Dad And BF

Not too much has changed. The BF still thought everything was okay. I went with him yesterday to his parents lake house. As we were leaving I told him I hadn't been to the bank yet and ask if he would buy me cigarettes as I was out of cash. He acted like it was going to kill him. Truthfully that is too much of an inconvenience for him. I just told him to stop at the tobacco store and I would write a check there for them and buy my own and he did. What an ass.
Has a long talk about it. Ask him if he were ever going to ever put any needs in my life before his "wants". His answer, " I can try." Again What an ass!!

I haven't talked much about other issues in my life. My dad is very sick. He is the closest person in life to me. They can't seem to determine what is wrong with him. He was diagnosed with Polymyalgia reumitica but the medicine that was suppose to make him feel better in 2 time isn't working and it has been about a month and a half. The have already doubled it once and it still didn't do any better. I worry. It is like watching my grandmother last year and she died in October. I try not to think of it that way and just tell myself he is fine and when they figure out what it is they will make him better. I pray for the best. But I can't stand to see him suffer.

Well enough for now...........time for bed.

holiday weekend

I took an extra day off work this weekend to make it a four dayer. Well worth it. Spent way too much money though. Two trips to football games that were an hour away (gas money). One trip to races, 60 miles away (more gas money), ($70.00 in ticket money), ($25.00 in food). It was all to watch my son and his activities. Of course we took the girlfriend everywhere we went because her mom is out of town for the weekend. I enjoy taking her with us though. My son is so different than my daughter was. When she had boyfriend she never brought them around, and she never included us in her life with them. My son is the complete opposite. I dropped him and the girlfriend off at the mall last week to shop for school clothes and about an hour before I was suppose to pick them up he called me and ask if I wanted to come early and eat with them. Today they were here at the house and decided to go swimming. About five minutes after they went out he opened the door and wanted me to come swim with them. They begged me to. It feels really good to know that even though he is growing up he is not growing away from me.

The BF update.......Up until Friday I had avoided him all together for a week. Friday was my B day (38). I spent the day with my son, went to high school football game and came home to go to bed. Just like me to prefer to be alone on my birthday. About 11:30 the phone rings and its some girls from work. They were all out and decided I needed to be out too since it was my birthday. Normally I would turn down an invitation to the bar but I told myself I needed to do something. So I went. Well I my friends from work weren't the only ones there. My daughter and her friend, whose birthday it happened to be also, and her mother were there too. Next thing I knew they were all buying me shots. I never ordered a thing to drink and never ask for anything. Still somehow I ended up drunk. (I'm not a big drinker at all) So they got me drunk and then they all either left me there or were too drunk themselves to get me home. So I called the BF. UGH!! So now he suddenly thinks everything is just fine. WTF????? I should have just stayed home. LOL

BF continued.....

Okay so what I found out after he asked me to marry him. On Christmas eve day we spent most of the day together buying some last minute gifts. We were suppose to be at my parents house at a certain time (he had not yet met my family) and he said he had some last minute gift to buy for me. When really he had to go buy a heart shaped necklace and take it to someone else he was secretly seeing. It took him 3 hours and he was an hour late getting to my parents house. Well she went to work the day after Christmas bragging about the gift to someone who was friends with my friend and low and behold I was told. He was cheating on me when he asked me to marry him. The story goes like this. He had fixed his 2 best friends up and they were getting married. He was the best man and "the girlfriend" was the maid of honor. They were only friends and he just felt sorry for her because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. The bride and groom best friends were having them both over for dinner and he was spending all sorts of time with her. It hit me that the night of the brides baccalaureate party I had gone out with friends. Well the place we intended on going to was dead so we went somewhere else. As we were walking in he was walking in also. He had not even said he was going anywhere but there he was. The BF told the guy that was with my friend, "why did you have to bring her here of all nights?" It didn't make sense then but after I received this information it all came together. She was there and he was there to see her and me showing up messed up his plans. He even danced with her rite in front of me. (fast danced with a few of the members of the baccalaureate party). All this and he tells me they were just friends....... Just friends, then why had I never heard her name before. Why was he hiding her? Because it was more than a friendship, he must have really thought I was stupid. He still says it was just a friendship but he also says he was only doing it because he knew I was still e mailing with my x bf and she was his back up. WTF.....What? He needed a back up "friend" to replace a girlfriend if he lost her. YEAH RITE!!

Anyway after hearing this I called him and told him I just wanted him to know that I had taken my x boyfriend (who i was still e mailing with) a Christmas gift while he left me on Christmas eve and I was feeling guilty about it and hoped it was okay with him. (of course I hadn't) He understood exactly what I knew and the begging started again. I'm sorry I love you i never want to be with anyone but you. I only talked to her so much because we were trying to decide what to buy the bride and groom for their wedding. UH isn't that something you should be talking to me about? Why would you and her buy them anything? I then called and got a copy of his cell phone bill to see exactly how much he was talking to her but of course he had stopped and picked it up before I got there. still hiding things.

Well his best friends wedding was on new years eve and of course they couldn't figure out why I didn't want to go. DUH can you say S T U P I D ? He still went to the wedding and escorted the b**** down the isle and I spent New Years eve alone. He actually called me from her cell phone that night. POS. Said his phone was dead and he was just looking for me. MY ASS!!

Again I forgave him but things have never been the same. Let me start by saying I was more in love with him than I had ever been in love with anyone in my life. He was the only person I had ever had sex with that it ever felt like love. I could keep my eyes open. I could look into his eyes and see nothing but happiness. I never even noticed I was naked with him. I was school girl giddy with him. Everyone dreams of their wedding and he had just shattered those dreams. My wedding was the price to be paid for his two best friends wedding.........

Enough for now its depressing me. I don't realize how much this one event has changed my life until I write it and read it back to myself.

I need oxygen

In anatomy I learned that the oxygen that we breath in takes the trash out of our body when we exhale it. It only takes the stuff that is bad for our body and leaves the things that we need. I think I need a little more oxygen in my life to get rid of all the things that are unhealthy for me.

The BF stayed the night the other night and when we woke up I ask him if he would get me something to drink. He got mad and started to get up to get it, but making noises of disgust because that is what he does when I ask him to do anything like that for me. I rarely ask and I wonder why. We had planned on getting up and cooking breakfast but that didn't happen either. After the disgust noises he made I got up and got my own drink. After drinking it I went outside and started running the weed eater and mowing. He came out and ask if I needed help and I just told him no. Then he tried to hug me but I pushed him away and told him to go find someone else and leave me alone.

Same story, different day. I've been fighting this thing with him for years now. He is so self absorbed. If he loved me like he says he would he would love waking up with me and getting me something to drink. Doing anything for me disgusts him. Its not just that he didn't get me something to drink it's that its stuff like that all the time. Eight years and I am completely uncomfortable asking him to do anything for me. I think the "noises of disgust" was the extra oxygen I needed to get rid of the "unhealthy".

NOTHING HERE MATTERS

I woke tis morning and looked around my bedroom. Was thinking about things I need to do and realized that none of it matters. The window air conditioner with the cardboard on the side in my window that needs replaced doesn't matter, the carpet that has curling iron burns that needs replaced doesn't matter. I was thinking that the only thing that matters in this life is what I give to the world while Im in it and that I enjoy the things that god allowed me to have in this life. How nice my bedroom is may seem important now but in the bigger picture it wont matter. Someday I will not be here to enjoy it and someone else will be awakening in this room. It wont matter what I did or didn't do, that will not be remembered. If I get up and take my son shopping, it will be remembered. If I help my daughter through her struggle to deal with her sexual abuse, that will be remembered. If I offer to help somoone in need, that will be remembered. Thiese are the kind of things I need to remember!!

Nothing much

After my last post I worked Saturday night all night. I slept four hours on Sunday and prepared a full fledged cook out for my Parents 37th wedding anniversary. The whole family was here and it was enjoyable. Friends brought four wheelers and dirt bike and my kids had their four wheelers and everyone took turns riding in my field across the street. The whole things was over by about seven and I was beat and needed sleep but instead cleaned the mess.

I skipped work that night but only because I had to work the whole next day on my trucks. After working on trucks all day I was feeling pretty tired and decided I would go into work and leave so I could get some sleep. Again I had to go to court with my nephew the next morning and then drive an hour away to get a truck plate. I ask my supervisor if I could leave telling him I was sick and he insisted I go to plant medical. (they never do that, they usually just send us home) Went to plant medical and low and behold I had a temp of 102.3. No wonder I felt so tired I was actually sick. Its pretty bad when your so run down all the time you don't know the difference if your sick or just tired. At this point I'm both sick and tired.

Today I came home from and had an argument with the BF on the phone for 2 hours and then slept from 11:30 til 1:30. Then got up cleaned my house and went to school. Got out of class, sat on couch, and here I am.

My days are terrible, I am miserable (mostly because of the BF) so that leads me to the next short paragraph on our relationship. So he hacked my email. What he found was emails that I was writing to someone i use to date or about someone I use to date to my friends. These were personal things that I was dealing with and had he not hacked me would never have effected our relationship. His jealousy was ridiculous for a while. When We would have sex he would push my legs behind my head and run his fingers through me looking for semen from someone else. He heard from a friend that there was a NBA player (who previously lived in our town who had happened to see me with friends) looking for my phone number. He drank crazily and came to my house. He broke my chandelier, broke my vacuum cleaner, scared the s*** out of me and rearranged my furniture in a fit of rage. I didn't know what to do. I love him so much. I tried to push him out of my life but everywhere I turned he was there telling me how sorry he was. Told me he talked to his dad about the way he had treated me and he would never do it again. i gave in and forgave him and continued to love him. Christmas time came and he bought me a ring and asked me to marry him. Though it scared me to death I said yes. The day after xmasI was telling my girlfriend how much i loved him and how great it all was and she just kept saying,
"you shouldn't get so exited about things" or "are you sure you want to do this" Finally I asked her what she wasn't telling me. I knew. I could tell by the way she was talking there was something I needed to know..................And what I found out broke my heart in two.

My three men: Simple, Son, & Boyfriend

First thing first. I have been sticking to simplifying. Everyday I have thrown something out. Yesterday I went through kitchen cabinets and through out things that I haven't gotten out in who knows how long and today I through out almost everything in my refrigerator. Tomorrow I think I'll start with the closet in my living room.

On a new subject, my son won his heat race and was second in the feature tonight. I guess I haven't talked much about him yet. I think that is because this blog seems to be mostly for complaining and usually with him I don't have much to complain about. He is very self motivated. He plays football in the fall, basketball in the winter and races dirt track cars in the summer. That leads us to tonight. He is only 14 and DRIVES a race car. It is completely legal. And he does so well at it. This is his second year and this year he has won two races and almost always finishes somewhere in the front. He didn't get home until 1 am and will be up at 2 a day foot ball practice by 7 am. And no one makes him do it. Like I said self motivated.

I've also decided to slowly talk about the boyfriend one short paragraph at a time. We got together about 8 years ago. At first it was that sickening giggly kind of love. I always wanted to be with him. The sex was great and to be completely honest he took me places that I had only visited in Cosmo magazine. Then he had a trust issue.........he hacked into my email to check up on me and what he found he did not like..............................To be continued.......................

Unintensionally avoiding simple

Mr. Simple and I haven't seemed to cross paths as much as I would have liked.
With my class reunion coming up my best friend and I spent most of the day Friday shopping and getting hair and nails done. By the time we were done it was time for me to go to work (I am a third shifter)

On Saturday I slept until 1 and when I got up I realized I forgotten to get a bra to wear with my dress and it took most of the day to find it. I got home about 3 30 and showered and was ready for the reunion by 5. My bf and her husband picked us (yes the boyfriend went) up and we were there by 6 10. It was actually a pretty good time. There were still some of the same clicks but for the most part it was a good night out.

Sunday was spent recovering from Friday night.

Monday I did clean my room and drag a few things out of the drawer to get rid of. So that was a slight glimpse of Mr. Simple. I must try harder to get to know this person.

Does anyone notice that I avoid the subject of the boy friend. I think its because one, I don't have time to write it all, two, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it, or three I don't want to face the reality of it. If I write it all out and read it to myself I may have to face it. UGH!!!

Who is Simple?

I've decided to try to get back on track of my day to day life on this blog. I always seem to stray and lose track. T says I have too much going on in my life and its time to simplify. I don't know simple. Don't believe I have ever met that person. Can someone please introduce me to this Simple?

First off T says, " to simplify means to let go of things". Starting with the things that drain me of energy so that I have enough stamina to deal with the things I must. I've started this process by letting go of material things first. Cleaning out closets, e baying things to get rid of them. Its a small step in getting to know Mr. Simple but it is, after all a step.

The next step will have to be the people in my life who are unhealthy for me and drain me of my energy. Its a toss up between my daughter and boyfriend. They both drain the hell out of me. I know the daughter must stay so does that mean the boyfriend must go so I have enough energy left to deal with the daughter. Really one does not have anything to do with the other. Daughter is very demanding of my attention. She has a very low self esteem and needs constant re-assurance from me. If I don't tell her where I am its like she's the mother. She calls all over town looking for me. Its like she has a fear that I will abandon her. The boyfriend on the other hand is a whole different story. I will hit more on him tomorrow as that will be time consuming.

To wrap up, I plan to spend a lot of time trying to get to know this Mr. Simple. But I really don't think he and I have much in common. It may be a short lived relationship.

VACATION, NIAGARA FALLS, & CLASS REUNION

A trip to the beach was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was good for me. My daughter, son and sons girlfriend, niece and boyfriend all went together. Also another couple and their daughter went along. We all had a wonderful time in the sun. It was a relief from work and school for me. We went deep sea fishing, to the NASCAR park, the amusement park, the water park, ate out some and ate in some. We spent lots of time in the ocean this year boogy boarding. The condo was great. Two bedroom, two bath, kitchen, eating area, living room and a balcony with a great view of the ocean. There was no drama. WOW not even one argument between the kids.

While laying on the beach I had some time to think about what to do with my share of my sisters ashes. I remembered her saying that she always wanted to go to Niagara Falls and I know she never got to go. So I was thinking maybe that would be a good place for me to spread her ashes. I'm afraid that my dad wont like that idea. I think he wants to bury them so he has a place to visit. Her wishes were not to be buried though. I'm not sure if she meant just not to bury her body or not to bury her ashes either. Maybe Ill call and talk to her husband and get his opinion.

On another note my 20 year class reunion is coming up soon. Again I'm having problems with the boyfriend so it looks like I may be going alone. UGH!!

My trip to Joe Nichols benfit for Pams kids

On Thursday I departed for Bredenton, Fla. where Joe Nichols would preform a benefit concert for my sisters 3 kids. I worked third shift on Wednesday night, flew out at 9 a.m. Thursday, arrived in Tampa at 3 p.m. (after a 4 hour layover in Charlotte), got the rental car and drove the hour drive to Bradenton. I then got my hotel room and was ready to crash. There was no time for that, it was already about 5 and had to shower and be at benefit at 7. Its amazing what you can do with no sleep when needed.

The benefit went smooth and I would estimate over 20,000 dollars was raised for my nieces and nephew. Woohoo!! I am sure they would rather have their mother but it was still a great success.

I went to this benefit because I wanted to. I felt that I had to be there. It was not a pleasant experience as I really do not know anyone there. As I said I hadn't been a real part of her life in some years. I did a lot of wandering around this HUGE country bar alone. Her family and friends were as hospitable as could be expected but I really felt alone. Her ex husband was quite friendly and tried to "babysit" me. He and I shared tears together as they showed the slide show of her. Her children show no interest in knowing me. I know it uncomfortable for them though. I do understand. I stayed until about 11 and then said bye to her ex and seen myself to the door.
I was never so happy to see a bed in my life. I crashed.

I spent the next day (4th of July) on the beach relaxing in the sun and thinking of her. When time to leave there I realized I locked the keys in the rental car. Hectic!! There was an hour of waiting for triple A.

I spent that evening at my sisters best friends 4th of July bbq. Her and I talked about my sister for about an hour and she gave me mine and my dads share of her ashes.( I never knew anyone who was cremated but I still think it strange that they divided her ashes up into 20 small earns and distributed them through the family. ) We shared different stories about her and cried some then I left.

On my way back to the room I decided to drive by her house one last time. Then I decided to stop in the driveway and then decided to get out. I turned the door knob and it was open so I let myself in. The place was a disaster area. Most things have been moved out but "stuff" was just strewn about. I found a card from the man who killed her which expressed how much he loved her and wanted to take care of her forever. It was a very nice card and he couldn't have sounded like a nicer guy. It just makes me wonder how this much love could lead to such a tragic ending.

Though what he did was a terrible thing I have to believe that he was really sick and pray for his family too. My heart bleeds for all involved. It was a great loss, I'm sure for our family as well as his.

I left early the next morning and was glad to arrive back home the next day. I would be ask if I enjoyed my trip and my answer was no, not at all but I'm glad that went. I learned a lot and would like to become closer to those who were close to her, as dysfunctional as it all is.

I learned things about her brother that makes me feel the need to make him apart of my family. But that's all for another day.

Did she blame me for her beating?

I ask myself sometimes why god kept us apart for so long? We were only kids and we were brought together by the adults around us (My mother and our father). Did she blame me for all the bad things that happened to her here? I remember my mom and dad used to argue about the two of us, my mom taking my side and dad taking hers. I know my mom always blamed her for everything that happened. I remember my sister denying something and my mom saying don't lie I seen you do it through the window. I told my mom it was me and she insisted it was my sister. I knew she was lying about seeing her through the window because I knew that I did it. Still she spanked my sister. It was like that all of the time. The worse was one morning when it was my sisters turn to put the dishes away before we went to school and my dad rushed us so she didn't have time. When we got home my mom told her she was going to get hit 500 times for every dish in the dish rack. She took her in the kitchen and counted the dishes and then took her to the bedroom and made her strip her pants off and beat her. She proceeded to beat her until she passed out from the craziness. After she woke up she hugged her and babied her and begged her not to tell my dad and she never did. My sister always tried to make her happy. I'm not sure she ever did. I do know that when she came back to live with us when she was 14 she actually put my mom in the nut ward. I don't think she did it on purpose but I think she felt no guilt for doing so. I always thought she blamed me for what my mom did to her because my mom never punished me to the extreme that she was punished. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am that I never told my dad until it was much too late (20 years). I wish I could tell her that even when she was gone she always had a voice here. I always defended her even though it took so long for me to tell what happened to her.

I remember the day I told my dad. It was after I found her the last time. He had been trying to call her and she wouldn't return his calls. Him and I were driving to Columbus and he was basically telling me that like always she was ignoring him and if that was the way she wanted it, fine. I then explained to him what had happened to her and he ask me, " how did I not see it?" Not sure what happened between them then I think he just showed up at her house. But from there on they were reconciled. He always thought that her mom had turned her against him and she always thought he didn't care enough to stick up for her. Lack of communication cost them many years of happiness.

A SAD STORY!!

As I said in my last post my sister was murdered. Those are words that never thought I would have to say. She was trying to break off a relationship with this guy and he couldn't handle it. He went in through the back door of the resteraunt that she worked at and drug her out the front door and under a tree and shot her three times, twice in the stomach and once in the throat. He started to leave and a friend and co worker came out to help her. She was still alive and the friend told her the ambulance was on its way. The ex boyfriend realized she was still alive and got back out of her car and shot at the friend when the gun jammed and did not fire. The friend ran into the resteraunt and he went back to my sister and shot her two more times in the head. He then ran from police, lost them and parked the car and shot himself.

Now that she is gone I find myself feeling alot of guilt. She was my half sister and though we were close when we were young we barely knew each other when she died. Her and I didn't have any disagreements it was the adults fault around both of us. She left one summer to go stay with her mom and just never came back like she always did before. We didn't see her and barely heard form her until four years later when she came back to live with us again for a very short time. This time she was seriously disturbed. She left and she disappeared off the face of the earth. I later learned that her mom sent her to an uncle in New york and then she was put in a mental hospital. Only when I turned old enough to find her myself and visit did I find her. We went to the city she lived in and vacationed. I visited with her a couple of times while there and went home. I wrote her a letter and never heard back from her. Again she disappeared......10 years later she could not be found. I tried all the court houses for records of marriage, driving records. liscences and nothing. I decided to get on a plane and go find her. And that I did. I gave her brothers name at the court house and low and behold they had an address for him. I went to the address and they no longer lived there. The gentleman told me that her brother actually didn't live there that a his sister did. Bam!!! I found where she use to live. The gentlemen then told me that he tought her friend live on the corner. I went to the friends house knocked at the door and ask if she new my sister, she said who are you? I told her i was her sister. At first she didn't believe me and then she was like yeah I know her as a matter of fact she is on the phone rite now. She actually just lived around the corner. Reunited again....this time it would be for good. I didnt visit her much but my dad and her reconciled and he visited her quite often. He was happy to see her and happy to spend time with her. I'm so glad that I found her and he got to get to know her and her children and spend the time that he did with her.

Seeing how hurt he was when she was taken from us for good was very hard. I know that no matter how hard I look I wont be able to find her again like before. This time she is really gone.

I found out that Joe Nichols is doing a benefit concert for her 3 kids.
I didn't think people really cared that much any more. Its reassuring to me and gives me hope for the world after all. I will be flying there for the concert and to see my nieces and nephew.

Even though I didn't hardly see her in our adult years apart of me misses her. I tried to have a relationship with her. I visited and got nothing in return. Her life was not pleasant when she was here and I thought that she just wasn't ready to face this part of her past. I was giving her time. I guess I shouldn't have. I should have tried harder.

Anger

Life sucks!! My sister was murdered in a murder suicide. The idiot killed her and then killed himself. This has left me very angry. My grandmothers death 8 months ago left me sad. This grieving process is so different. I feel so much anger. Anger toward her death and anger toward everyone around me who do stupid things thinking they have forever to do the rite thing. Anger at the idiot who killed her. Angry at her for not putting any effort into having a relationship with me, angry at myself for not trying harder to see her and her kids more often. Anger so much anger rite now

The Perfect Package

With Mothers Day just around the corner my children have ask me what I want.
I would like to have told them that I want a new boyfriend. One wrapped in a perfect box, in perfect paper with a perfect bow. And I want whats inside to be just as perfect as the package.
This leads me to the question "What do I think a perfect man is?"
Lets see............

1. He needs to have a job and have had the same one for at least 10 years (stability)
2. He needs to have already had kids. ( I'm not having anymore)
3. He needs to be able and enjoy socializing with others.
4. Also enjoy time alone with me.
5. I would like someone who puts my needs before his as I would do the same for him.
6. Ambitious (not just in career but at home too).
7. I like touchy feely, someone who is not afraid to express his love.
8. He knows how to laugh and make me laugh.
9. Someone who is secure with himself and doesn't get mad when I speak to another male.
10. At least 38 years old.

I guess that's a start. Can I get all of that in one package?

Inside out and upside down

Two weeks later and the boyfriend still sucks. Haven't talked to him in a week. To explain a little further he is lazy and borring. He doesn't mean to be. I just don't think he knows how to enjoy life. He doesn't know how to care about anyone else beyond what is convenient for him. You can't feel joy if there is noone to feel it with. I am the only person he really sees. How healthy is that. I mean he sees people at work but other than that its just me and usually thats just to lay on my couch and keep me from getting anything done. I'm tired so tired. I love him, atleast I love the him that I fell in love with 8 years ago but the further I get into this I don't think that person ever existed. Its like it was all just a put on to make me fall in love. He forgot to "be" the person who only socialized via internet gaming. Really what is that? Its a group of anti social people who have self esteems so low that the only way they can communicate is when they can't be seen. Someone please explain?

Blanks!!

Did you ever keep shooting for something, aim rite at it, know for sure you hit it, then look and you were so far off target that you were no where near what you aimed for. I know for sure I must be shooting blanks. I never seem to hit what I aim for in a relationship.

My boyfriend of eight years sucks!! The fact that I can say that is enough alone to break this thing off before we both waste anymore of our time.

Blah Blah Blah I dont even feel like writing about it!!

Who me? Have a lot of jobs?

It seems I'm always busy. Is this something I do unintentionally on purpose?
I am 37 years old and have had more professions than anyone I know. Always doing something else. Always moving. I started out attending the tech school and did about a year and a half of accounting at the same time working as a hair dresser. The lack of support from my boyfriend kept me from finishing the accounting degree and after about eight years of that I decided there had to be more money out there to be made. I started my boyfriends dream business and helped him run that for about 4 years and then he just ran it himself and I found myself once again bored and unfulfilled. My dad was an independent truck driver so I decided to venture into the Transportation industry. I bought one truck that turned into two. Now there was some extra money. Still didn't involve much of my time. I ventured into the Real Estate business. Three months of schooling and about a year of that and I decided I couldn't deal with the snobs and the egos in that line of business. Hmmmmmm......Now what? Oh that's rite, I took a class called ONOW (orientation to nontraditional occupations in the workplace). Yeah I wanted a mans job with a mans pay. From that class got a summer help job at the local auto making company. I made 75% of the regular hourly pay and that was the most money I had ever made. Not only that, I actually liked the work environment and the people. I decided that is where I wanted to work. Now at that time it was almost impossible to get a job there and everyone laughed at me and said you'll never get in. I knew eventually I would, that's just me I find a way to make anything happen. It would take time I had a lot of studying to do. You had to pass a test to get on the hiring list and you had to ace it to get hired. Erstwhile I got a job at another union shop. I hated this job. It was the crappiest place I had ever worked but the pay was above average so I stayed. Then the day came the call from the biggest of the big 3 auto companies. I aced the test and was number one on the list to be hired. It was only a matter of time. I immediately quit the job at the crappy factory. Eight months later I landed what I thought was the perfect job. A Die maker at the highest paying factory in America. I have the highest paying job as an hourly employ. I still had the two semi trucks and that eventually grew into 10 trucks. I was raking in the cash!! What I didn't realize, with one truck taking a small amount of time ten trucks were consuming my life. I worked morning noon and night and on top of that attending every sporting event my son and daughter had. We did movies once a week for a while, usually on Sunday and vacationed once a year and camped and jet skied. I don't know how I managed except I woke up one day and I was tired. So I quit, that simple, that fast, I quit the Trucking industry. Sold some of the equipment and parked all but one. Back to simple!! But now I'm back to broke. Payments still need to be made and I'm barely making them. Broke again but proud. For once in my life I chose my time and me over money and the drive to succeed. Sometimes being broke is depressing but i just keep in mind that God himself will not give me more that I can handle and he will carry me through, one way or another.

Here I am with all of this spare time. Next thing I know I'm registered and attending school full time. Now I want to be a Nurse. LOL!! What is with me? Actually, I am in fear of losing my perfect job (due to idiotic american people buying foreign cars) The need for the auto industry to compete with these foreign companies has led to shipping jobs out of the country so they can get away with paying the same crap wage that our competitors pay.

How did I decide on nursing? I was looking at my senior scrap book and I noticed that as my future occupation I thought I would be a RN. I believe that children and young adults look at life in a very clear and uncorrupt way and decided to take my own youthful advice. Will I ever be a Nurse. Yes I will finish the school but as long as I have my current job I will never leave. I may someday do both as my youngest only has 3 years of school left. I am sure when he is gone I once again will find myself bored. And again I will work to succeed.

MORON!!!

My youngest sister has ruined her oldest son. She has also helped my daughter along the way with her drug and alcohol abuse. She has two lovely daughters whom I love to death. They are at an age that I think they could still be saved from the moron ( sister). They are 12 and 8 and she has been leaving them home alone til 5 am (all night) every weekend for about 3 years. My niece use to be a TAG (that is talented and gifted) student. Now she is barely passing the seventh grade. The moron when she does come home, drunk and coked up, keeps these kids awake all night with her stupidity that she rarely remembers in the morning. She had 3 kids by the age of 18 and two of them died in a house fire that the oldest one started. He was 3 and playing with a lighter no fault of his. He didn't know any better. When moron is being her drunken self she tells him it was his fault, and that he killed his sister and brother. She's an ass! She infuriates me. She needs help and refuses to get it. And he is paying for it. He has been in so much trouble, he'll probably be in prison within the year. That's something to look forward to at 18 years old. She never did anything to help him. She just ignored him. He was her slave and babysitter. One time my son went to her house to play with him when they were younger . He called me shortly after he got there and had me pick him up. Why? Because he said my nephew wasn't allowed to do anything. Every time they would start to play moron would have a slave chore for him. My son went there 2 or 3 times and it was always the same so he just didn't bother to go at all.
I wish there was away I could take two nieces from her. They need to be saved!! God help them.

Pardon the picture but it suits her so well!!

The sexual abuse cycle

Here is an account the sexual abuse in my life. Only the ones that I know of.

1. Uncle abuses sister "k" from the age of 6 until about 13. He was a grown man at the time. He is the biginning of the cycle of my family.

2. Same uncle abuses my brother. Not sure exactly what the time line is there.

3. Sister "k" abuses brother also.

4. Sister "k" abuses brothers friend too.

5. Sister "k" plays pretend sex games with other sister (we'll call her sister "t") and two cousins.

all female. Cousin 1 & 2

6. Cousin 2 abuses brother (won't admit to it)

7.Brother abuses my daughter from about age 5 until about 11 0r 12 when he was incarcerated.

8.Niece "m" tells me that brother felt her up on 2 different occations.

9. Neice "m" tells me at a later date that she is having sex with her cousin.

This is what I can account for. I have a feeling there is more waiting to rear its ugly head.

People who hear my story ask me how all of this sexual abuse missed me. I'm sure that there are some who think Im lying. For some reason as I sat unknowingly in the midst of all of it I was spared. Did god have a purpose?

Shadows

I'm trying to get a little out at a time in this blog and somewhat stay on a time line. Please forgive me as I venture away from my story and to current events.

I somewhat established in my last post that my daughter was sexually abused. She is 19 years old and having a rough time coping with life due to this. She is only a shadow of herself rite now. She drinks to mask the pain. Unfortunately that only works for a short time before the drinking unveils the pain more that it masks is.

I was awaken at 3:00 am this morning by her. She was almost hysterical. She was drunk. She was not yelling but she was shouting at the world. Expressing all of the hate. Crying that she is just a little girl. Regressing I think maybe. Going back to being that little girl who was being hurt. It seems to me that her subconscious is tyring to finally deal with this but her mind is not ready. I try to talk to her about medication but she refuses to take "crazy pills". I've explained to her that her mind and her body have undergone a great amount of stress and that reeks havoc on the brain. The pills will just help like an antibiotic for the flu.
I'm lost...........How do I help bring her back out of the shadows.

The last survivor

I know I am not the last survivor of these things but In my family I feel like I am.
Fast forward from my growing up to now. I have 2 sisters and a brother. I am the only one who is not, has not, and never will have a dependency. My sister, I ll call her "K", and brother, I'll call him "T" were both sexually abused by the same uncle. On top of that "K" also abused "T" who in turn sexually abused my daughter and K's daughter. K's daughter, I'll call her "C", also was abused by a man that K lived with. Then I found out that C was having sex with her cousin. When I told both my sisters that this was going on between their children I got the blame for trying to ruin Xmas. Guess what? I don't care if I ruined Xmas this was something that had to be stopped. These kids needed therapy and to be let know this was wrong. Of course they didn't get it. I am the only one in the family who wants to acknowledge that any of this is f ' ed up. It seems that everyone else wants to sweep it under the rug and go on like it never happened. Have another beer, smoke another joint, pop another pill. What ever they need to NOT deal with it. Don't they realize this is why the cycle of sexual abuse continues.

The birth of me, who i am.

My mother( who would get very defensive if she heard these words) is the full cause of my being codependent. She is an alcoholic. Though she seems to have her drinking under some control these days, she still drinks and still hides it. One time I was using the restroom at her house and the toilet wouldn't flush. I took the back off and sure enough there were two cans of beer in there. Now thats creative, hide it and keep it semi cold at the same time.

As a teenager I strived to be like "the good kids". I tried to be involved in after school activities. This proved to be very difficult as the support from home was never there. I remember stealing twenty dollars from my neighbor for the deposit on my dance line uniform. (which I paid back with some interest anonymously 20 years later). I got myself to practice and got myself home. Sometimes walking and sometimes getting rides from friends. No matter how hard I tried though I always got the blame for everything bad that happened. If something got stolen it was me. If something wasn't done rite it was me. I always took the fall for everything. Why? Because my mom wasn't there to defend me as everyone else's was. It always seemed I was trying to prove myself to everyone. In doing so I was one of the best at everything I did.

As I grew a little older and got my license I tried to influence my sister to participate in after school activities too. I was there to take her and pick her up. I didn't want her to be like me. I wanted it to be easier for her. I don't know what happen I guess she didn't have the drive like I did and she quit. But I continued to look after her. Watching her and dragging her out of one bad situation or another. It was like being a big sister and a mother.

My youngest sibling, my brother, I did the same with him. I tried to put him in little league baseball. He went to all the practices but on game day he was too far behind the other kids who had been playing since pre school. He stood in the field and picked at bugs in the grass and stared into the sky. He went to one game and like my sister didn't have it to hang in there. I also took him on hos first real vacation to Disney world. (looking back now I wish I wouldn't have done that but that's a story for another day)

And then there was my middle sister who had her first baby at 16 and the third by the age of 18. When she was pregnant with the third she showed up on my door step with no shoes on and two babies on her hip crying because her and my mom had gotten into a fight (of course mom was drunk). So I took her in. Low and behold 15 years later my mom blames me for her not graduating high school. She thinks I should have sent her home. Like that would have made her graduate.

Then there ways mom herself. At the age of 15 I honestly thought it was normal and okay to drag my 16 year old boyfriend out of bed at 1 am to pick my mom up from the bar. Now that I'm older I bet his mom was just beside herself.

There was the time she stabbed herself, the time she drove into a telephone pole (which time? I think that happened twice), times she would sleep at the bar and just not come home, times she would go to the store and not come back for hours, the screaming and yelling, the fighting with my dad and us, the many times she banged her head on the walls (drunk and sober).

For many years I hated her for all the chaos she brought upon the family. Then I realized she didn't bring any of it on us. It was the disease that caused everything that happened to happen. I learned not to hate her. I learned how to deal with the disease and not her. When she drank her insecurities would come out. She would be defensive and always want to fight. I learned not to fight with her instead reassure her how much I loved her and just try to get her in bed to sleep it off. Now I feel sorry for her. Like I would for someone with cancer. And I hope and pray someday she will stop. I know her drinking is from lack of self esteem. I remember she use to drink before she could even go to the mall. I think it was because she thought everyone at the mall thought they were better than her. Strange.

Because of these events I have always tried to be there to hold all of the pieces together all of the time. This was the birth of who I am and who I was to become.

Co-dependency

Definition of caretaker: Co dependent
Definition of Co dependent: Caretaker

And I am both. For about 4 years I have been trying to overcome this co dependency thing and guess what???? I don't think you ever overcome it. I think it is who you are. I believe you learn to say no but you never learn not to feel guilty about it. Saying no still eats away at me for days after ward. It is a job not to be who I have always been. I wonder does it ever get easier?