holiday weekend

I took an extra day off work this weekend to make it a four dayer. Well worth it. Spent way too much money though. Two trips to football games that were an hour away (gas money). One trip to races, 60 miles away (more gas money), ($70.00 in ticket money), ($25.00 in food). It was all to watch my son and his activities. Of course we took the girlfriend everywhere we went because her mom is out of town for the weekend. I enjoy taking her with us though. My son is so different than my daughter was. When she had boyfriend she never brought them around, and she never included us in her life with them. My son is the complete opposite. I dropped him and the girlfriend off at the mall last week to shop for school clothes and about an hour before I was suppose to pick them up he called me and ask if I wanted to come early and eat with them. Today they were here at the house and decided to go swimming. About five minutes after they went out he opened the door and wanted me to come swim with them. They begged me to. It feels really good to know that even though he is growing up he is not growing away from me.

The BF update.......Up until Friday I had avoided him all together for a week. Friday was my B day (38). I spent the day with my son, went to high school football game and came home to go to bed. Just like me to prefer to be alone on my birthday. About 11:30 the phone rings and its some girls from work. They were all out and decided I needed to be out too since it was my birthday. Normally I would turn down an invitation to the bar but I told myself I needed to do something. So I went. Well I my friends from work weren't the only ones there. My daughter and her friend, whose birthday it happened to be also, and her mother were there too. Next thing I knew they were all buying me shots. I never ordered a thing to drink and never ask for anything. Still somehow I ended up drunk. (I'm not a big drinker at all) So they got me drunk and then they all either left me there or were too drunk themselves to get me home. So I called the BF. UGH!! So now he suddenly thinks everything is just fine. WTF????? I should have just stayed home. LOL

BF continued.....

Okay so what I found out after he asked me to marry him. On Christmas eve day we spent most of the day together buying some last minute gifts. We were suppose to be at my parents house at a certain time (he had not yet met my family) and he said he had some last minute gift to buy for me. When really he had to go buy a heart shaped necklace and take it to someone else he was secretly seeing. It took him 3 hours and he was an hour late getting to my parents house. Well she went to work the day after Christmas bragging about the gift to someone who was friends with my friend and low and behold I was told. He was cheating on me when he asked me to marry him. The story goes like this. He had fixed his 2 best friends up and they were getting married. He was the best man and "the girlfriend" was the maid of honor. They were only friends and he just felt sorry for her because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. The bride and groom best friends were having them both over for dinner and he was spending all sorts of time with her. It hit me that the night of the brides baccalaureate party I had gone out with friends. Well the place we intended on going to was dead so we went somewhere else. As we were walking in he was walking in also. He had not even said he was going anywhere but there he was. The BF told the guy that was with my friend, "why did you have to bring her here of all nights?" It didn't make sense then but after I received this information it all came together. She was there and he was there to see her and me showing up messed up his plans. He even danced with her rite in front of me. (fast danced with a few of the members of the baccalaureate party). All this and he tells me they were just friends....... Just friends, then why had I never heard her name before. Why was he hiding her? Because it was more than a friendship, he must have really thought I was stupid. He still says it was just a friendship but he also says he was only doing it because he knew I was still e mailing with my x bf and she was his back up. WTF.....What? He needed a back up "friend" to replace a girlfriend if he lost her. YEAH RITE!!

Anyway after hearing this I called him and told him I just wanted him to know that I had taken my x boyfriend (who i was still e mailing with) a Christmas gift while he left me on Christmas eve and I was feeling guilty about it and hoped it was okay with him. (of course I hadn't) He understood exactly what I knew and the begging started again. I'm sorry I love you i never want to be with anyone but you. I only talked to her so much because we were trying to decide what to buy the bride and groom for their wedding. UH isn't that something you should be talking to me about? Why would you and her buy them anything? I then called and got a copy of his cell phone bill to see exactly how much he was talking to her but of course he had stopped and picked it up before I got there. still hiding things.

Well his best friends wedding was on new years eve and of course they couldn't figure out why I didn't want to go. DUH can you say S T U P I D ? He still went to the wedding and escorted the b**** down the isle and I spent New Years eve alone. He actually called me from her cell phone that night. POS. Said his phone was dead and he was just looking for me. MY ASS!!

Again I forgave him but things have never been the same. Let me start by saying I was more in love with him than I had ever been in love with anyone in my life. He was the only person I had ever had sex with that it ever felt like love. I could keep my eyes open. I could look into his eyes and see nothing but happiness. I never even noticed I was naked with him. I was school girl giddy with him. Everyone dreams of their wedding and he had just shattered those dreams. My wedding was the price to be paid for his two best friends wedding.........

Enough for now its depressing me. I don't realize how much this one event has changed my life until I write it and read it back to myself.

I need oxygen

In anatomy I learned that the oxygen that we breath in takes the trash out of our body when we exhale it. It only takes the stuff that is bad for our body and leaves the things that we need. I think I need a little more oxygen in my life to get rid of all the things that are unhealthy for me.

The BF stayed the night the other night and when we woke up I ask him if he would get me something to drink. He got mad and started to get up to get it, but making noises of disgust because that is what he does when I ask him to do anything like that for me. I rarely ask and I wonder why. We had planned on getting up and cooking breakfast but that didn't happen either. After the disgust noises he made I got up and got my own drink. After drinking it I went outside and started running the weed eater and mowing. He came out and ask if I needed help and I just told him no. Then he tried to hug me but I pushed him away and told him to go find someone else and leave me alone.

Same story, different day. I've been fighting this thing with him for years now. He is so self absorbed. If he loved me like he says he would he would love waking up with me and getting me something to drink. Doing anything for me disgusts him. Its not just that he didn't get me something to drink it's that its stuff like that all the time. Eight years and I am completely uncomfortable asking him to do anything for me. I think the "noises of disgust" was the extra oxygen I needed to get rid of the "unhealthy".

NOTHING HERE MATTERS

I woke tis morning and looked around my bedroom. Was thinking about things I need to do and realized that none of it matters. The window air conditioner with the cardboard on the side in my window that needs replaced doesn't matter, the carpet that has curling iron burns that needs replaced doesn't matter. I was thinking that the only thing that matters in this life is what I give to the world while Im in it and that I enjoy the things that god allowed me to have in this life. How nice my bedroom is may seem important now but in the bigger picture it wont matter. Someday I will not be here to enjoy it and someone else will be awakening in this room. It wont matter what I did or didn't do, that will not be remembered. If I get up and take my son shopping, it will be remembered. If I help my daughter through her struggle to deal with her sexual abuse, that will be remembered. If I offer to help somoone in need, that will be remembered. Thiese are the kind of things I need to remember!!

Nothing much

After my last post I worked Saturday night all night. I slept four hours on Sunday and prepared a full fledged cook out for my Parents 37th wedding anniversary. The whole family was here and it was enjoyable. Friends brought four wheelers and dirt bike and my kids had their four wheelers and everyone took turns riding in my field across the street. The whole things was over by about seven and I was beat and needed sleep but instead cleaned the mess.

I skipped work that night but only because I had to work the whole next day on my trucks. After working on trucks all day I was feeling pretty tired and decided I would go into work and leave so I could get some sleep. Again I had to go to court with my nephew the next morning and then drive an hour away to get a truck plate. I ask my supervisor if I could leave telling him I was sick and he insisted I go to plant medical. (they never do that, they usually just send us home) Went to plant medical and low and behold I had a temp of 102.3. No wonder I felt so tired I was actually sick. Its pretty bad when your so run down all the time you don't know the difference if your sick or just tired. At this point I'm both sick and tired.

Today I came home from and had an argument with the BF on the phone for 2 hours and then slept from 11:30 til 1:30. Then got up cleaned my house and went to school. Got out of class, sat on couch, and here I am.

My days are terrible, I am miserable (mostly because of the BF) so that leads me to the next short paragraph on our relationship. So he hacked my email. What he found was emails that I was writing to someone i use to date or about someone I use to date to my friends. These were personal things that I was dealing with and had he not hacked me would never have effected our relationship. His jealousy was ridiculous for a while. When We would have sex he would push my legs behind my head and run his fingers through me looking for semen from someone else. He heard from a friend that there was a NBA player (who previously lived in our town who had happened to see me with friends) looking for my phone number. He drank crazily and came to my house. He broke my chandelier, broke my vacuum cleaner, scared the s*** out of me and rearranged my furniture in a fit of rage. I didn't know what to do. I love him so much. I tried to push him out of my life but everywhere I turned he was there telling me how sorry he was. Told me he talked to his dad about the way he had treated me and he would never do it again. i gave in and forgave him and continued to love him. Christmas time came and he bought me a ring and asked me to marry him. Though it scared me to death I said yes. The day after xmasI was telling my girlfriend how much i loved him and how great it all was and she just kept saying,
"you shouldn't get so exited about things" or "are you sure you want to do this" Finally I asked her what she wasn't telling me. I knew. I could tell by the way she was talking there was something I needed to know..................And what I found out broke my heart in two.

My three men: Simple, Son, & Boyfriend

First thing first. I have been sticking to simplifying. Everyday I have thrown something out. Yesterday I went through kitchen cabinets and through out things that I haven't gotten out in who knows how long and today I through out almost everything in my refrigerator. Tomorrow I think I'll start with the closet in my living room.

On a new subject, my son won his heat race and was second in the feature tonight. I guess I haven't talked much about him yet. I think that is because this blog seems to be mostly for complaining and usually with him I don't have much to complain about. He is very self motivated. He plays football in the fall, basketball in the winter and races dirt track cars in the summer. That leads us to tonight. He is only 14 and DRIVES a race car. It is completely legal. And he does so well at it. This is his second year and this year he has won two races and almost always finishes somewhere in the front. He didn't get home until 1 am and will be up at 2 a day foot ball practice by 7 am. And no one makes him do it. Like I said self motivated.

I've also decided to slowly talk about the boyfriend one short paragraph at a time. We got together about 8 years ago. At first it was that sickening giggly kind of love. I always wanted to be with him. The sex was great and to be completely honest he took me places that I had only visited in Cosmo magazine. Then he had a trust issue.........he hacked into my email to check up on me and what he found he did not like..............................To be continued.......................