Yesterday my friend who got hurt at work was brought home for a home visit. Was suppose to go visit but too many people were there too long so didn't get to go. Its okay he needs his rest.
Went to High School Varsity scrimage and watched son play. I am very much looking forward to what this season will bring. He is only a sophmore and playing Varsity. I just hope he doesn't get hurt. (crossing fingers) He could drive his race car every weekend and I don't worry at all but this football kind of makes me worry. He received 2 head concussions last year.
Though I try to wait this thing out with my BF deciding to move with company. It is eating away at me. I tried really hard to talk to him and he just gets ticked and argues. He wants to know why I want to argue about it. I don't I'm just trying to figure out where this is going to lead my life to. I offered to support him through school if he stayed (financialy), that was not an option. I expressed I thought we should get married or at least move in together and he doesn't want that. He says he just wants to be himself. I said that was fine but asked did he want to be himself alone or with me. His reply: I really don't know what I want rite now. This conversation was about a week ago and since then I I've tried to be silent about it and ignore it. He does show that he loves me on a daily basis but and this is a BIG BUT he still has said nothing about the future and what he wants. After 9 years I feel if he doesn't know what he wants he never will. He started talking about when he would be offered a transfer yesterday and I just told him to stop I didn't need it rubbed in my face. I still wonder " How could he just decide to leave me?" His decision was completely self-absorbed. It was good for noone but HIM.
Oh well i guess I will just wait it out a little longer but Im afraid the longer he goes without saying anything the more I'm going to lean toward ending this. (as my stomach turns). I'm tired of being alone and want a future with someone. A future TOGETHER.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Mourning
Well I guess I've decided if I'm going to do this blog thing I should just do it.
I've had alot to deal with in the last year and as I said before some of it I refuse to admit to. Therefore I don't have to live the reality of it.
October 4, 2007 Grandmother who I was very close to passed away
March 30, 2008 Sister is murdered in a murder / suicide
Around this same time Dad starts to fall ill.
Dads health fades fast and he passes on November 16, 2008 at the young age of 61. (May I pause here to say how much I miss him)
December 21, 2009 I have mini stroke and have to stay in hospital until Chrismas Eve day. Something with this caused me to start having panic attacks. So these just come on now when ever they feel the need. I don't even have to be panicing about anything.
I.R.S. audits me and finds that I owe $400,00.00 (which I have had to go through he** to get them to reconsider)
Around May of 2009 the G.M. Plant that I work announces it will close. Decision must be made....Do I stay, try to transfer and have to move or do I take their buy out and finish Nursing School. (I only have six classes left)
Boyfriend who works with me says he will stay with company and transfer where ever he must to keep his job, No matter what my decision is.
July 20, 2009 One of my best friends is found laying in the floor at work with his skull cracked and major bleeding. He is life flighted and rushed into surgery. He is still in rehab (brain rehab) and they still do not know what caused him to fall in the first place and he doesn't remember any of it.
August 4 2009 Ex Father in law (who I remained close with as we worked at the same place in the same department) had Alzeimers. Though his brain was lost he was in great health. And suddenly within three weeks he passes.
August 7 2009 Leaving Ex Father in laws funeral I sigh and say I have had all the death and sickness I can handle for a long while. About that time little did I know that my boyfriends grandmother passes away. He got he call later that evening. He wasn't even aware that she was sick. ANOTHER FUNERAL!!
August 11 calling hours August 12 Funeral. I'm tired of wearing these black clothes.
My Grandmother death I can deal with. She was 93 years old and had been telling me for 20 years she was ready to go be with the lord. She didn't know what he was waiting for but he must have something for her left to do here.
My sister came as a complete shock and still haven't dealt with that. Lots of regrets there. Lots of anger with her.
My father...................................Still choose to try to ignore this, still does not seem real, still feel like I should wake up and he will be here. Sometimes I get a rude awakening and have to face it but usually I shove it away quickly so it doesn't last long. I know he is not here but I still wish not to acknowledge it. Since the day of his passing I cannot sleep without some sort of sleep aid. It more fear of laying there and having to face it than it is I really need it I think. This way I just fall asleep and no time to lay in bed and think about it.
IRS, I am slowing working my way through these steps.
Job Situation, chose to take their buy out and finish my school. Just have to last 6 weeks without pay and then make the buy out money last me a year.
Boyfriend leaving, I will deal with that when the time comes.
Friend is recovering, Ill go visit him tomorrow.
Ex Father in law passing was hard, did as much as I could to help Ex Mother in law realized that this family is still greatly my family too. The Ex broke down at graveside services and I had to be there for him. I may not be "in love" with him but I will always love him. He is after all my childrens father and we have maintained a good relationship. Father in law is in a place where he know whats going on now. Its better for him.
Boyfriends grandmother passing. I had never met her and he had only seen her 1 time in 17 years.( Since the passing of his father) I thought it would be alot easier since I didn't know her but it was hard as I watched him realize what he missed out on. Though I know it wasn't his fault nor does it really seem like it was anyones fault. At here graveside services he nealt at his fathers head stone and for the first time since I've known him he mouned the loss of his father openly.
I find myself beginning to understand my grandmothers thoughts. I too am starting to look forward to the day I can be with the lord and all of those I have mourned the loss of. What a happy day it will be. Makes me realize this day is not so distant as it seems. I need to start living and planning more for that day and less for what is to come here on earth next week or next year.
I've had alot to deal with in the last year and as I said before some of it I refuse to admit to. Therefore I don't have to live the reality of it.
October 4, 2007 Grandmother who I was very close to passed away
March 30, 2008 Sister is murdered in a murder / suicide
Around this same time Dad starts to fall ill.
Dads health fades fast and he passes on November 16, 2008 at the young age of 61. (May I pause here to say how much I miss him)
December 21, 2009 I have mini stroke and have to stay in hospital until Chrismas Eve day. Something with this caused me to start having panic attacks. So these just come on now when ever they feel the need. I don't even have to be panicing about anything.
I.R.S. audits me and finds that I owe $400,00.00 (which I have had to go through he** to get them to reconsider)
Around May of 2009 the G.M. Plant that I work announces it will close. Decision must be made....Do I stay, try to transfer and have to move or do I take their buy out and finish Nursing School. (I only have six classes left)
Boyfriend who works with me says he will stay with company and transfer where ever he must to keep his job, No matter what my decision is.
July 20, 2009 One of my best friends is found laying in the floor at work with his skull cracked and major bleeding. He is life flighted and rushed into surgery. He is still in rehab (brain rehab) and they still do not know what caused him to fall in the first place and he doesn't remember any of it.
August 4 2009 Ex Father in law (who I remained close with as we worked at the same place in the same department) had Alzeimers. Though his brain was lost he was in great health. And suddenly within three weeks he passes.
August 7 2009 Leaving Ex Father in laws funeral I sigh and say I have had all the death and sickness I can handle for a long while. About that time little did I know that my boyfriends grandmother passes away. He got he call later that evening. He wasn't even aware that she was sick. ANOTHER FUNERAL!!
August 11 calling hours August 12 Funeral. I'm tired of wearing these black clothes.
My Grandmother death I can deal with. She was 93 years old and had been telling me for 20 years she was ready to go be with the lord. She didn't know what he was waiting for but he must have something for her left to do here.
My sister came as a complete shock and still haven't dealt with that. Lots of regrets there. Lots of anger with her.
My father...................................Still choose to try to ignore this, still does not seem real, still feel like I should wake up and he will be here. Sometimes I get a rude awakening and have to face it but usually I shove it away quickly so it doesn't last long. I know he is not here but I still wish not to acknowledge it. Since the day of his passing I cannot sleep without some sort of sleep aid. It more fear of laying there and having to face it than it is I really need it I think. This way I just fall asleep and no time to lay in bed and think about it.
IRS, I am slowing working my way through these steps.
Job Situation, chose to take their buy out and finish my school. Just have to last 6 weeks without pay and then make the buy out money last me a year.
Boyfriend leaving, I will deal with that when the time comes.
Friend is recovering, Ill go visit him tomorrow.
Ex Father in law passing was hard, did as much as I could to help Ex Mother in law realized that this family is still greatly my family too. The Ex broke down at graveside services and I had to be there for him. I may not be "in love" with him but I will always love him. He is after all my childrens father and we have maintained a good relationship. Father in law is in a place where he know whats going on now. Its better for him.
Boyfriends grandmother passing. I had never met her and he had only seen her 1 time in 17 years.( Since the passing of his father) I thought it would be alot easier since I didn't know her but it was hard as I watched him realize what he missed out on. Though I know it wasn't his fault nor does it really seem like it was anyones fault. At here graveside services he nealt at his fathers head stone and for the first time since I've known him he mouned the loss of his father openly.
I find myself beginning to understand my grandmothers thoughts. I too am starting to look forward to the day I can be with the lord and all of those I have mourned the loss of. What a happy day it will be. Makes me realize this day is not so distant as it seems. I need to start living and planning more for that day and less for what is to come here on earth next week or next year.
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