THE BEST GIFTS!!

I was thinking this morning about my dad. As I was thinking about my life with him as a father it made me realize the best gifts god blesses us with are taken for granted. As we go through life complaining about all the little things or rejoicing over what we think are great things, the best things are usually rite in front of us. My father was a gift from God, he was not my biological father but I never knew of this until my early teens. I was young when God brought him into my life and I dont remember. Im sure he wasn't packaged in a box, wrapped in pretty paper and topped with a bow but I know and have known for years that he was the greatest gift ever given to me. This takes nothing from my mother as she means equally as much to me. But I feel that he didn't have to take care of me, he never had to treat me equally to my other siblings, he could have abused me and took things out on me but he never did. If anything sometimes I think he was better to me than the others. He spent hours upon hours teaching me things. And though he was an over the road truck driver and wasn't always here, he was always "here", a phone call away, always answered. I remember times he would walk me through things on the phone, difficult things, and if I didn't understand he would just say take it apart and remember how it came apart and just put it back together the same way it came apart. That statement means alot more than it says. To me that statement means don't be afraid to try to do things. Just do it if it doesn't work, oh well you tried. He would talk me through specific things but in doing so I was learning about life. Who new step by step instructions on changing a water pump on an old Peterbuilt semi truck would teach me to do things for myself and not to be afraid to do so.

So all in all thank you God for the greatest gift I have ever received. I can honestly say I loved it.

Somethings Missing

I feel like something is missing in my life. But what or who is it? I love my current boyfriend very much. All he wants to talk about is sex. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex w/ him but I want more. Its been 3 days since I've seen him and I miss him but he doesn't seem to miss me. Hurts my feelings. He only lives a block from me but cant find the time to visit me. I'm not comfortable just popping in on him at his house. He did invite me over for pizza w/ him and his nephew last night but after not hearing from him all day I didn't feel like I should just jump up and run over there. I give up!! I feel like giving up on it all.

Today

Today is....................the day before my sisters birthday, the one that was murdered a little over a year ago. I would like to visit her children but that isn't an option since like her they don't seem to want to give me the time of day.......Oh well, I've tried. The oldest one had a a baby. I called to check on her a few times through out her pregnancy and ask that they let me know when she had the baby. Low and behold she must be about a year pregnant now cuz I haven''t heard a thing. I would like to atleast celebrate/grieve her birthday with my father but sonce he passed shortly after her that isn't a choice either. I've been avoiding the cemetary for a few months, avoiding the fact that he isn't here I guess but maybe tomorrow on her birthday I will take her ashes and go visit him. Sounds weird............grieving is weird.

Made it through my first quarter of Nursing clinicals. The instructors are all bitches. They are very unaproachable and sometimes I just want to say "HELLO, I AM PAYING YOU FOR THIS"
Then they would just make it even harder on me though so I'll just keep my mouth shut, go to class and continue to go home and teach myself everything they are suppose to be teaching me.
Its difficult to learn some of it because it reminds me so much of my father being ill and dying but I shove it in the back of my head somewhere and pretend it doesn't exist ( though I know its there)


We're on winter break now. I'm finding myself kind of bored. Its going on a year now since I've actually worked. Not use to that still. Kind of miss my job, the place and the people. But it was just that a job. It wasn't who I was.

I spend alot of time at home, have found peace with alot in my life. Just kind of decided. "THATS LIFE" all of it comes down to those simple words. Shit happens, deal w/it and go on. Don't let it define you, drag you down, and change who you are. Along with that don't let the people around you drag you down either. Laugh and go on. Thats my outlook, either laugh at it or cry about it. Which is better? I'm tired of crying and no one caring. So I don't care either just, about me, my kids and people who appriciate it the rest of the world are on there own.

Okay I;m sounding a little pesamistic. Thats not usually me! LOL have to laugh at it though!!

Why I dont blog??

Blogging seems to me to be a place to express saddness, heartache, and problems. I think sometimes I just don't want to be reminded of those things.


Returned to school in fall and though I enjoy the nursing, I think I chose the wrong school. Their teaching styles don't agree with my learning style. I'll have to adjust no other option there.

Got buy out check on my birthday. That was a great gift. Wish I could check the mail every birthday to find that. LOL

Good thing the check came for my b day as boyfriend didn't buy me anything.

Boyfriend is moving...........one of these days.........still doesn't know when.

Still meneuvering the IRS laws to straighten up tax problem. Hopofully will be completely resolved before x mas.

I need a job............Its been almost a year since I've worked and I'm getting bored.

Theres the update........................

Saturday

Yesterday my friend who got hurt at work was brought home for a home visit. Was suppose to go visit but too many people were there too long so didn't get to go. Its okay he needs his rest.

Went to High School Varsity scrimage and watched son play. I am very much looking forward to what this season will bring. He is only a sophmore and playing Varsity. I just hope he doesn't get hurt. (crossing fingers) He could drive his race car every weekend and I don't worry at all but this football kind of makes me worry. He received 2 head concussions last year.

Though I try to wait this thing out with my BF deciding to move with company. It is eating away at me. I tried really hard to talk to him and he just gets ticked and argues. He wants to know why I want to argue about it. I don't I'm just trying to figure out where this is going to lead my life to. I offered to support him through school if he stayed (financialy), that was not an option. I expressed I thought we should get married or at least move in together and he doesn't want that. He says he just wants to be himself. I said that was fine but asked did he want to be himself alone or with me. His reply: I really don't know what I want rite now. This conversation was about a week ago and since then I I've tried to be silent about it and ignore it. He does show that he loves me on a daily basis but and this is a BIG BUT he still has said nothing about the future and what he wants. After 9 years I feel if he doesn't know what he wants he never will. He started talking about when he would be offered a transfer yesterday and I just told him to stop I didn't need it rubbed in my face. I still wonder " How could he just decide to leave me?" His decision was completely self-absorbed. It was good for noone but HIM.

Oh well i guess I will just wait it out a little longer but Im afraid the longer he goes without saying anything the more I'm going to lean toward ending this. (as my stomach turns). I'm tired of being alone and want a future with someone. A future TOGETHER.

Mourning

Well I guess I've decided if I'm going to do this blog thing I should just do it.
I've had alot to deal with in the last year and as I said before some of it I refuse to admit to. Therefore I don't have to live the reality of it.

October 4, 2007 Grandmother who I was very close to passed away

March 30, 2008 Sister is murdered in a murder / suicide

Around this same time Dad starts to fall ill.

Dads health fades fast and he passes on November 16, 2008 at the young age of 61. (May I pause here to say how much I miss him)

December 21, 2009 I have mini stroke and have to stay in hospital until Chrismas Eve day. Something with this caused me to start having panic attacks. So these just come on now when ever they feel the need. I don't even have to be panicing about anything.

I.R.S. audits me and finds that I owe $400,00.00 (which I have had to go through he** to get them to reconsider)

Around May of 2009 the G.M. Plant that I work announces it will close. Decision must be made....Do I stay, try to transfer and have to move or do I take their buy out and finish Nursing School. (I only have six classes left)

Boyfriend who works with me says he will stay with company and transfer where ever he must to keep his job, No matter what my decision is.

July 20, 2009 One of my best friends is found laying in the floor at work with his skull cracked and major bleeding. He is life flighted and rushed into surgery. He is still in rehab (brain rehab) and they still do not know what caused him to fall in the first place and he doesn't remember any of it.

August 4 2009 Ex Father in law (who I remained close with as we worked at the same place in the same department) had Alzeimers. Though his brain was lost he was in great health. And suddenly within three weeks he passes.

August 7 2009 Leaving Ex Father in laws funeral I sigh and say I have had all the death and sickness I can handle for a long while. About that time little did I know that my boyfriends grandmother passes away. He got he call later that evening. He wasn't even aware that she was sick. ANOTHER FUNERAL!!

August 11 calling hours August 12 Funeral. I'm tired of wearing these black clothes.

My Grandmother death I can deal with. She was 93 years old and had been telling me for 20 years she was ready to go be with the lord. She didn't know what he was waiting for but he must have something for her left to do here.

My sister came as a complete shock and still haven't dealt with that. Lots of regrets there. Lots of anger with her.

My father...................................Still choose to try to ignore this, still does not seem real, still feel like I should wake up and he will be here. Sometimes I get a rude awakening and have to face it but usually I shove it away quickly so it doesn't last long. I know he is not here but I still wish not to acknowledge it. Since the day of his passing I cannot sleep without some sort of sleep aid. It more fear of laying there and having to face it than it is I really need it I think. This way I just fall asleep and no time to lay in bed and think about it.

IRS, I am slowing working my way through these steps.

Job Situation, chose to take their buy out and finish my school. Just have to last 6 weeks without pay and then make the buy out money last me a year.

Boyfriend leaving, I will deal with that when the time comes.

Friend is recovering, Ill go visit him tomorrow.

Ex Father in law passing was hard, did as much as I could to help Ex Mother in law realized that this family is still greatly my family too. The Ex broke down at graveside services and I had to be there for him. I may not be "in love" with him but I will always love him. He is after all my childrens father and we have maintained a good relationship. Father in law is in a place where he know whats going on now. Its better for him.

Boyfriends grandmother passing. I had never met her and he had only seen her 1 time in 17 years.( Since the passing of his father) I thought it would be alot easier since I didn't know her but it was hard as I watched him realize what he missed out on. Though I know it wasn't his fault nor does it really seem like it was anyones fault. At here graveside services he nealt at his fathers head stone and for the first time since I've known him he mouned the loss of his father openly.

I find myself beginning to understand my grandmothers thoughts. I too am starting to look forward to the day I can be with the lord and all of those I have mourned the loss of. What a happy day it will be. Makes me realize this day is not so distant as it seems. I need to start living and planning more for that day and less for what is to come here on earth next week or next year.

Dad explained

On November 16,2008 I lost my father, my favorite teacher, and my best friend.
As he was all three to me. Almost 5 months and it's still a struggle to get through each day.
And thats all I can say about that rite now. It takes alot out of me to say that. If I write about it
I have to admit it's reality. I try to ignore that...............I'm not ready for the reality of it.....
I just feel the need to say Good Night Dad and I guess this is the only place I can say it so...............Good Night Dad, I love you