Did she blame me for her beating?

I ask myself sometimes why god kept us apart for so long? We were only kids and we were brought together by the adults around us (My mother and our father). Did she blame me for all the bad things that happened to her here? I remember my mom and dad used to argue about the two of us, my mom taking my side and dad taking hers. I know my mom always blamed her for everything that happened. I remember my sister denying something and my mom saying don't lie I seen you do it through the window. I told my mom it was me and she insisted it was my sister. I knew she was lying about seeing her through the window because I knew that I did it. Still she spanked my sister. It was like that all of the time. The worse was one morning when it was my sisters turn to put the dishes away before we went to school and my dad rushed us so she didn't have time. When we got home my mom told her she was going to get hit 500 times for every dish in the dish rack. She took her in the kitchen and counted the dishes and then took her to the bedroom and made her strip her pants off and beat her. She proceeded to beat her until she passed out from the craziness. After she woke up she hugged her and babied her and begged her not to tell my dad and she never did. My sister always tried to make her happy. I'm not sure she ever did. I do know that when she came back to live with us when she was 14 she actually put my mom in the nut ward. I don't think she did it on purpose but I think she felt no guilt for doing so. I always thought she blamed me for what my mom did to her because my mom never punished me to the extreme that she was punished. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am that I never told my dad until it was much too late (20 years). I wish I could tell her that even when she was gone she always had a voice here. I always defended her even though it took so long for me to tell what happened to her.

I remember the day I told my dad. It was after I found her the last time. He had been trying to call her and she wouldn't return his calls. Him and I were driving to Columbus and he was basically telling me that like always she was ignoring him and if that was the way she wanted it, fine. I then explained to him what had happened to her and he ask me, " how did I not see it?" Not sure what happened between them then I think he just showed up at her house. But from there on they were reconciled. He always thought that her mom had turned her against him and she always thought he didn't care enough to stick up for her. Lack of communication cost them many years of happiness.

A SAD STORY!!

As I said in my last post my sister was murdered. Those are words that never thought I would have to say. She was trying to break off a relationship with this guy and he couldn't handle it. He went in through the back door of the resteraunt that she worked at and drug her out the front door and under a tree and shot her three times, twice in the stomach and once in the throat. He started to leave and a friend and co worker came out to help her. She was still alive and the friend told her the ambulance was on its way. The ex boyfriend realized she was still alive and got back out of her car and shot at the friend when the gun jammed and did not fire. The friend ran into the resteraunt and he went back to my sister and shot her two more times in the head. He then ran from police, lost them and parked the car and shot himself.

Now that she is gone I find myself feeling alot of guilt. She was my half sister and though we were close when we were young we barely knew each other when she died. Her and I didn't have any disagreements it was the adults fault around both of us. She left one summer to go stay with her mom and just never came back like she always did before. We didn't see her and barely heard form her until four years later when she came back to live with us again for a very short time. This time she was seriously disturbed. She left and she disappeared off the face of the earth. I later learned that her mom sent her to an uncle in New york and then she was put in a mental hospital. Only when I turned old enough to find her myself and visit did I find her. We went to the city she lived in and vacationed. I visited with her a couple of times while there and went home. I wrote her a letter and never heard back from her. Again she disappeared......10 years later she could not be found. I tried all the court houses for records of marriage, driving records. liscences and nothing. I decided to get on a plane and go find her. And that I did. I gave her brothers name at the court house and low and behold they had an address for him. I went to the address and they no longer lived there. The gentleman told me that her brother actually didn't live there that a his sister did. Bam!!! I found where she use to live. The gentlemen then told me that he tought her friend live on the corner. I went to the friends house knocked at the door and ask if she new my sister, she said who are you? I told her i was her sister. At first she didn't believe me and then she was like yeah I know her as a matter of fact she is on the phone rite now. She actually just lived around the corner. Reunited again....this time it would be for good. I didnt visit her much but my dad and her reconciled and he visited her quite often. He was happy to see her and happy to spend time with her. I'm so glad that I found her and he got to get to know her and her children and spend the time that he did with her.

Seeing how hurt he was when she was taken from us for good was very hard. I know that no matter how hard I look I wont be able to find her again like before. This time she is really gone.

I found out that Joe Nichols is doing a benefit concert for her 3 kids.
I didn't think people really cared that much any more. Its reassuring to me and gives me hope for the world after all. I will be flying there for the concert and to see my nieces and nephew.

Even though I didn't hardly see her in our adult years apart of me misses her. I tried to have a relationship with her. I visited and got nothing in return. Her life was not pleasant when she was here and I thought that she just wasn't ready to face this part of her past. I was giving her time. I guess I shouldn't have. I should have tried harder.

Anger

Life sucks!! My sister was murdered in a murder suicide. The idiot killed her and then killed himself. This has left me very angry. My grandmothers death 8 months ago left me sad. This grieving process is so different. I feel so much anger. Anger toward her death and anger toward everyone around me who do stupid things thinking they have forever to do the rite thing. Anger at the idiot who killed her. Angry at her for not putting any effort into having a relationship with me, angry at myself for not trying harder to see her and her kids more often. Anger so much anger rite now