NOTHING HERE MATTERS

I woke tis morning and looked around my bedroom. Was thinking about things I need to do and realized that none of it matters. The window air conditioner with the cardboard on the side in my window that needs replaced doesn't matter, the carpet that has curling iron burns that needs replaced doesn't matter. I was thinking that the only thing that matters in this life is what I give to the world while Im in it and that I enjoy the things that god allowed me to have in this life. How nice my bedroom is may seem important now but in the bigger picture it wont matter. Someday I will not be here to enjoy it and someone else will be awakening in this room. It wont matter what I did or didn't do, that will not be remembered. If I get up and take my son shopping, it will be remembered. If I help my daughter through her struggle to deal with her sexual abuse, that will be remembered. If I offer to help somoone in need, that will be remembered. Thiese are the kind of things I need to remember!!

Nothing much

After my last post I worked Saturday night all night. I slept four hours on Sunday and prepared a full fledged cook out for my Parents 37th wedding anniversary. The whole family was here and it was enjoyable. Friends brought four wheelers and dirt bike and my kids had their four wheelers and everyone took turns riding in my field across the street. The whole things was over by about seven and I was beat and needed sleep but instead cleaned the mess.

I skipped work that night but only because I had to work the whole next day on my trucks. After working on trucks all day I was feeling pretty tired and decided I would go into work and leave so I could get some sleep. Again I had to go to court with my nephew the next morning and then drive an hour away to get a truck plate. I ask my supervisor if I could leave telling him I was sick and he insisted I go to plant medical. (they never do that, they usually just send us home) Went to plant medical and low and behold I had a temp of 102.3. No wonder I felt so tired I was actually sick. Its pretty bad when your so run down all the time you don't know the difference if your sick or just tired. At this point I'm both sick and tired.

Today I came home from and had an argument with the BF on the phone for 2 hours and then slept from 11:30 til 1:30. Then got up cleaned my house and went to school. Got out of class, sat on couch, and here I am.

My days are terrible, I am miserable (mostly because of the BF) so that leads me to the next short paragraph on our relationship. So he hacked my email. What he found was emails that I was writing to someone i use to date or about someone I use to date to my friends. These were personal things that I was dealing with and had he not hacked me would never have effected our relationship. His jealousy was ridiculous for a while. When We would have sex he would push my legs behind my head and run his fingers through me looking for semen from someone else. He heard from a friend that there was a NBA player (who previously lived in our town who had happened to see me with friends) looking for my phone number. He drank crazily and came to my house. He broke my chandelier, broke my vacuum cleaner, scared the s*** out of me and rearranged my furniture in a fit of rage. I didn't know what to do. I love him so much. I tried to push him out of my life but everywhere I turned he was there telling me how sorry he was. Told me he talked to his dad about the way he had treated me and he would never do it again. i gave in and forgave him and continued to love him. Christmas time came and he bought me a ring and asked me to marry him. Though it scared me to death I said yes. The day after xmasI was telling my girlfriend how much i loved him and how great it all was and she just kept saying,
"you shouldn't get so exited about things" or "are you sure you want to do this" Finally I asked her what she wasn't telling me. I knew. I could tell by the way she was talking there was something I needed to know..................And what I found out broke my heart in two.

My three men: Simple, Son, & Boyfriend

First thing first. I have been sticking to simplifying. Everyday I have thrown something out. Yesterday I went through kitchen cabinets and through out things that I haven't gotten out in who knows how long and today I through out almost everything in my refrigerator. Tomorrow I think I'll start with the closet in my living room.

On a new subject, my son won his heat race and was second in the feature tonight. I guess I haven't talked much about him yet. I think that is because this blog seems to be mostly for complaining and usually with him I don't have much to complain about. He is very self motivated. He plays football in the fall, basketball in the winter and races dirt track cars in the summer. That leads us to tonight. He is only 14 and DRIVES a race car. It is completely legal. And he does so well at it. This is his second year and this year he has won two races and almost always finishes somewhere in the front. He didn't get home until 1 am and will be up at 2 a day foot ball practice by 7 am. And no one makes him do it. Like I said self motivated.

I've also decided to slowly talk about the boyfriend one short paragraph at a time. We got together about 8 years ago. At first it was that sickening giggly kind of love. I always wanted to be with him. The sex was great and to be completely honest he took me places that I had only visited in Cosmo magazine. Then he had a trust issue.........he hacked into my email to check up on me and what he found he did not like..............................To be continued.......................

Unintensionally avoiding simple

Mr. Simple and I haven't seemed to cross paths as much as I would have liked.
With my class reunion coming up my best friend and I spent most of the day Friday shopping and getting hair and nails done. By the time we were done it was time for me to go to work (I am a third shifter)

On Saturday I slept until 1 and when I got up I realized I forgotten to get a bra to wear with my dress and it took most of the day to find it. I got home about 3 30 and showered and was ready for the reunion by 5. My bf and her husband picked us (yes the boyfriend went) up and we were there by 6 10. It was actually a pretty good time. There were still some of the same clicks but for the most part it was a good night out.

Sunday was spent recovering from Friday night.

Monday I did clean my room and drag a few things out of the drawer to get rid of. So that was a slight glimpse of Mr. Simple. I must try harder to get to know this person.

Does anyone notice that I avoid the subject of the boy friend. I think its because one, I don't have time to write it all, two, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it, or three I don't want to face the reality of it. If I write it all out and read it to myself I may have to face it. UGH!!!

Who is Simple?

I've decided to try to get back on track of my day to day life on this blog. I always seem to stray and lose track. T says I have too much going on in my life and its time to simplify. I don't know simple. Don't believe I have ever met that person. Can someone please introduce me to this Simple?

First off T says, " to simplify means to let go of things". Starting with the things that drain me of energy so that I have enough stamina to deal with the things I must. I've started this process by letting go of material things first. Cleaning out closets, e baying things to get rid of them. Its a small step in getting to know Mr. Simple but it is, after all a step.

The next step will have to be the people in my life who are unhealthy for me and drain me of my energy. Its a toss up between my daughter and boyfriend. They both drain the hell out of me. I know the daughter must stay so does that mean the boyfriend must go so I have enough energy left to deal with the daughter. Really one does not have anything to do with the other. Daughter is very demanding of my attention. She has a very low self esteem and needs constant re-assurance from me. If I don't tell her where I am its like she's the mother. She calls all over town looking for me. Its like she has a fear that I will abandon her. The boyfriend on the other hand is a whole different story. I will hit more on him tomorrow as that will be time consuming.

To wrap up, I plan to spend a lot of time trying to get to know this Mr. Simple. But I really don't think he and I have much in common. It may be a short lived relationship.

VACATION, NIAGARA FALLS, & CLASS REUNION

A trip to the beach was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was good for me. My daughter, son and sons girlfriend, niece and boyfriend all went together. Also another couple and their daughter went along. We all had a wonderful time in the sun. It was a relief from work and school for me. We went deep sea fishing, to the NASCAR park, the amusement park, the water park, ate out some and ate in some. We spent lots of time in the ocean this year boogy boarding. The condo was great. Two bedroom, two bath, kitchen, eating area, living room and a balcony with a great view of the ocean. There was no drama. WOW not even one argument between the kids.

While laying on the beach I had some time to think about what to do with my share of my sisters ashes. I remembered her saying that she always wanted to go to Niagara Falls and I know she never got to go. So I was thinking maybe that would be a good place for me to spread her ashes. I'm afraid that my dad wont like that idea. I think he wants to bury them so he has a place to visit. Her wishes were not to be buried though. I'm not sure if she meant just not to bury her body or not to bury her ashes either. Maybe Ill call and talk to her husband and get his opinion.

On another note my 20 year class reunion is coming up soon. Again I'm having problems with the boyfriend so it looks like I may be going alone. UGH!!

My trip to Joe Nichols benfit for Pams kids

On Thursday I departed for Bredenton, Fla. where Joe Nichols would preform a benefit concert for my sisters 3 kids. I worked third shift on Wednesday night, flew out at 9 a.m. Thursday, arrived in Tampa at 3 p.m. (after a 4 hour layover in Charlotte), got the rental car and drove the hour drive to Bradenton. I then got my hotel room and was ready to crash. There was no time for that, it was already about 5 and had to shower and be at benefit at 7. Its amazing what you can do with no sleep when needed.

The benefit went smooth and I would estimate over 20,000 dollars was raised for my nieces and nephew. Woohoo!! I am sure they would rather have their mother but it was still a great success.

I went to this benefit because I wanted to. I felt that I had to be there. It was not a pleasant experience as I really do not know anyone there. As I said I hadn't been a real part of her life in some years. I did a lot of wandering around this HUGE country bar alone. Her family and friends were as hospitable as could be expected but I really felt alone. Her ex husband was quite friendly and tried to "babysit" me. He and I shared tears together as they showed the slide show of her. Her children show no interest in knowing me. I know it uncomfortable for them though. I do understand. I stayed until about 11 and then said bye to her ex and seen myself to the door.
I was never so happy to see a bed in my life. I crashed.

I spent the next day (4th of July) on the beach relaxing in the sun and thinking of her. When time to leave there I realized I locked the keys in the rental car. Hectic!! There was an hour of waiting for triple A.

I spent that evening at my sisters best friends 4th of July bbq. Her and I talked about my sister for about an hour and she gave me mine and my dads share of her ashes.( I never knew anyone who was cremated but I still think it strange that they divided her ashes up into 20 small earns and distributed them through the family. ) We shared different stories about her and cried some then I left.

On my way back to the room I decided to drive by her house one last time. Then I decided to stop in the driveway and then decided to get out. I turned the door knob and it was open so I let myself in. The place was a disaster area. Most things have been moved out but "stuff" was just strewn about. I found a card from the man who killed her which expressed how much he loved her and wanted to take care of her forever. It was a very nice card and he couldn't have sounded like a nicer guy. It just makes me wonder how this much love could lead to such a tragic ending.

Though what he did was a terrible thing I have to believe that he was really sick and pray for his family too. My heart bleeds for all involved. It was a great loss, I'm sure for our family as well as his.

I left early the next morning and was glad to arrive back home the next day. I would be ask if I enjoyed my trip and my answer was no, not at all but I'm glad that went. I learned a lot and would like to become closer to those who were close to her, as dysfunctional as it all is.

I learned things about her brother that makes me feel the need to make him apart of my family. But that's all for another day.